All about my attempt at induced lactation

You can find it here.

It is also its own tab at the top.

It deserved its own page.

It's an epic saga.

What's been going on

• I feel like all I ever write about are major events in my trying-to-have-kids life. I'd like to change that
• S and I got a new couples counselor. And we've been fighting. And grieving. That's hard work
• Logo is going to produce a new reality-ish series on gay people building their families. I talked to one of the casting people this week (hurdle 1 I guess?). We're considering sending in the paperwork and casting video for hurdle 2. Not sure yet as S and I are pretty private people (see: anonymous blogging). But I do feel like the stories of how we build our families are important. Although, I wish the series was going to be broadcast somewhere other than Logo (ie, preaching to the choir)
• Starb.cks skinny mocha = yucky. Tastes like chemicals
• I got a $5 am.zon credit for filling out a survey (I'm an online survey whore for extra pennies, dollars, sky.miles, and gift certificates). Turns out am.zon is now selling online access to videos. For $4.99 (ie, free with my credit) I downloaded 3 episodes of a cheesy workout video. I huffed and puffed my way through episode 1 yesterday. Things I learned: 1) I am so out of shape (I already knew that, however, the sad sad state of my body has now been confirmed) 2) the internet is a dream come true for introverts - I met my wife, run my business, publish my innermost thoughts, and now exercise all online. Yay!
• Failed matches = hard. I keep blog surfing because I can't stop poking at this wound. I want to stop or just be happy for others who have made it to the parenting side of this journey. But instead I focus on the jealous or the hurt or the it-will-never-be-me. I need to stop that
• I thought this article on parents/children that are gay/Jewish/of color was interesting

Ride is over. Unbuckle your seat belt. Check for valuables.

Being free of the unknown feels good. Everything else feels heartbreaking.

ps

She disappeared again - no response to calls or emails. Agency called the hospital and confirmed she delivered.

pps

Yesterday we were contacted by a woman who is 5 months pregnant. Not sure I'm ready to hop back on this roller coaster.

Things I might write about when I stop being such a basket case

Due date has come and gone. Sometimes I think she has changed her mind, sometimes I think she's just having him later than expected
Trans-racial adoption and the expected reaction from the small-town Southern half of our family and the unexpected reaction (or maybe expected because I already knew they are all damn crazy) from the hippie liberal livin'-on-the-coast half of our family

Induced lactation - the ups, the downs, the need for new (read: bigger) bras to contain these monsters (or as S says, goddesses [thanks S!]), and how sometimes I want to crawl out of my skin while pumping
Giving up all parts of the "birth plan" I had dreamed about when we were TTC and accepting the fact that I no longer get to make decisions about things like vitamin K shots and immediate skin to skin contact
How f'ing excited we are
How f'ing scared we are
The pile of heart meltingly cute baby clothes sitting on top of my dresser - do I ever love pants with animal faces on the butt