All about my attempt at induced lactation

You can find it here.

It is also its own tab at the top.

It deserved its own page.

It's an epic saga.

What's been going on

• I feel like all I ever write about are major events in my trying-to-have-kids life. I'd like to change that
• S and I got a new couples counselor. And we've been fighting. And grieving. That's hard work
• Logo is going to produce a new reality-ish series on gay people building their families. I talked to one of the casting people this week (hurdle 1 I guess?). We're considering sending in the paperwork and casting video for hurdle 2. Not sure yet as S and I are pretty private people (see: anonymous blogging). But I do feel like the stories of how we build our families are important. Although, I wish the series was going to be broadcast somewhere other than Logo (ie, preaching to the choir)
• Starb.cks skinny mocha = yucky. Tastes like chemicals
• I got a $5 am.zon credit for filling out a survey (I'm an online survey whore for extra pennies, dollars, sky.miles, and gift certificates). Turns out am.zon is now selling online access to videos. For $4.99 (ie, free with my credit) I downloaded 3 episodes of a cheesy workout video. I huffed and puffed my way through episode 1 yesterday. Things I learned: 1) I am so out of shape (I already knew that, however, the sad sad state of my body has now been confirmed) 2) the internet is a dream come true for introverts - I met my wife, run my business, publish my innermost thoughts, and now exercise all online. Yay!
• Failed matches = hard. I keep blog surfing because I can't stop poking at this wound. I want to stop or just be happy for others who have made it to the parenting side of this journey. But instead I focus on the jealous or the hurt or the it-will-never-be-me. I need to stop that
• I thought this article on parents/children that are gay/Jewish/of color was interesting

Ride is over. Unbuckle your seat belt. Check for valuables.

Being free of the unknown feels good. Everything else feels heartbreaking.

ps

She disappeared again - no response to calls or emails. Agency called the hospital and confirmed she delivered.

pps

Yesterday we were contacted by a woman who is 5 months pregnant. Not sure I'm ready to hop back on this roller coaster.

Things I might write about when I stop being such a basket case

Due date has come and gone. Sometimes I think she has changed her mind, sometimes I think she's just having him later than expected
Trans-racial adoption and the expected reaction from the small-town Southern half of our family and the unexpected reaction (or maybe expected because I already knew they are all damn crazy) from the hippie liberal livin'-on-the-coast half of our family

Induced lactation - the ups, the downs, the need for new (read: bigger) bras to contain these monsters (or as S says, goddesses [thanks S!]), and how sometimes I want to crawl out of my skin while pumping
Giving up all parts of the "birth plan" I had dreamed about when we were TTC and accepting the fact that I no longer get to make decisions about things like vitamin K shots and immediate skin to skin contact
How f'ing excited we are
How f'ing scared we are
The pile of heart meltingly cute baby clothes sitting on top of my dresser - do I ever love pants with animal faces on the butt

Wait in the cafeteria

That was our agency's solution to our high anxiety about birth father's violent past...come to the hospital for the birth, but wait in the cafeteria if he's present. Needless to say we weren't happy with that answer. Not that it might not be good advice if we want to avoid birth father altogether (we don't), but we were expecting more "counseling" on the matter. I guess that's lesbians for you, always wanting to process....

Which of course, we did. Luckily (or predictably?) I had a therapy session scheduled for Thursday anyway, so I introduced my wife to my therapist and we had a little couples counseling on our fears and our hopes. It really helped. We are definitely scared (of all kinds of things...revocation period, unpredictable birth father) but we also really want to be present for this peanut. So we're going to do our best to make this a positive experience and try to manage our fear and anxiety and just be present and take it one step at a time.

Honestly, I feel like an overstretched balloon. I may or may not have about jumped down S's throat when she made an off-hand, innocuous comment about my driving. So what if we cried in the Tar.get parking lot. We also left with 4 bags of peanut essentials (who knew they put all the baby stuff on clearance after the holidays - hello super cute fleece pants for $1.50 - and on that side note - geez, do I love little boy clothes - as well as the designers at Tar.get who make all the little boy clothes look just like itty bitty lesbian outfits). Just sayin':

A few details...a big question

Things have been *happening* over here. I've kept the details to myself a little for privacy's sake and a lot just because it's emotionally exhausting and I only have energy for sleeping and eating cookies. I never knew being chosen by a birth mother would be even harder than waiting for one to pick us.

The good news: she changed her mind again and we met her yesterday and she is all the good things we day dreamed about...most importantly she loves this peanut and wants to be a part of his (it's a boy!) life after the placement.

The crisis: After we met the birth mother we came home and googled the birth father’s name. He was arrested (and since released) for a violent crime last year. Now we’re freaking out. The birth father is against the adoption and we’re afraid he’s going to come over and beat us up or kidnap the baby. Maybe over reacting. But maybe not.

So that’s where things stand. Precarious...with baby set to arrive any second.

We're trying to reach our agency (for words of wisdom) but they are closed for the holidays and the on-call person is in the midst of a more pressing crisis (c-section). We don't know what to do. Brain says run, heart says stay.

Slipped through our fingers

And just like that the roller coaster is over. The birth mother we were working with has not responded to emails (1 from us, multiple from agency) and phone calls (1 from us, multiple from agency). Our adoption counselor recommended we unmatch. She is processing the paperwork right now.

We are grateful for so many things:

• That she didn't change her mind *after* she placed the baby with us
  
• That this process of matching and unmatching has been relatively quick and we can be placed back in circulation after just a few weeks and not after several months
  
• That we didn't get to know her and form a strong emotional bond with her only to have to let her and her baby go
  

We are also sad. Really, really, really sad. Let's face it, even with my whole grateful list, it's not all easy peasy. I'm in a hotel room, getting ready for a work meeting. I wish I was home for this part. For the sad. But I'm in Miami (then Chicago, then San Diego, then home to get the nursery ready...except not. So really, home to eat lots and lots of chocolate). It's been so fun dreaming and scheming with S about everything from car seats to college graduations (OK, we got a little ahead of ourselves). I even got the, um, milkmaids up and running. I'm not quite sure what to do with them now. Just stop the dom.peridone cold turkey?

Also? Last minute hospital placement? You know I'm not going to be able to let that idea go.