Ain't that the truth

From a friend after I sobbed over email:

Isn't it amazing that you live in your own body every day and
find out you have things growing in you and blocked passageways? Weird. I probably have a shriveled up uterus and no eggs at this time even though I prance about like a youngish fertile goose.
***

We're both medically considered old. Which is depressing. And my birthday last wednesday didn't help the situation. I've been obsessively googling all morning and only peeled myself away from the laptop to grab a piece of cold pizza from the fridge. Apparently I'm not dealing well with the idea of a second surgery and a direct ticket to IVF.

I didn't even make it around the first bend

HSG this morning. I took the red eye back home from LA last night (going on no sleep) and took the brethine tablet my OB recommended (heart pounding like a race horse) and then got the bad news (lost it in the middle of the radiology department). Turns out my left tube is completely blocked (that would be the side with the healthy functioning ovary) and my friend the polyp has grown back and needs to be removed (again). I knew this journey would be hard, but somehow I didn't know it would be this kind of hard. Of all the horrible things I had imagined going wrong, I never even dreamed up these functional obstacles. We will wait for the official ruling from the OB (hopefully early) next week. And then what?

Time flies when it's not the TWW

I don't know how it happened, but suddenly I'm at CD5 in the midst of try #2.

Since our negative beta, here's what you missed:

• I hoped for my period. Weird to be ping-ponging back and forth between hoping it shows and hoping it stays occupied with baby making responsibilities for a good long time.
  
• We picked a new donor. Somewhat out of necessity (temporarily sold out) and somewhat because we weren't 100% on board with the first guy. We named the first donor Little Indian (because he's part Cherokee, like my lovely wife) and the second donor Oakie (because The Jew* from Oklahoma seemed a tad long).
  
• I was scheduled for an HSG. I'm a little nervous about this one. We have two big hurdles this month (not counting the one where the miracle happens and the baby is made). 1) I need to get the all clear on the HSG - otherwise it's back to surgery for me and 2) It's technically the right side's turn to step up and make some eggs. But that's the little offender who had to be surgically downsized in April. Not sure if all those parts are up and working yet (ever).
  

It really is bizarre how the TWW drags on until I'm standing in the corner pulling out my eyelashes and banging my head against the wall and then the two weeks BEFORE the TWW flies by, what with the doctor's appointments and pharmacy pickups and sperm ordering and sushi eating. Twilight zone.

*I can say this because I am one (a Jew, not necessarily from Oklahoma)

Progesterone, you tricky bitch

Nausea. Check.
Huge aching bo.bs. Check.
Peeing like an old man with a big pros.tate. Check.
Heartburn. Check.
Burping (wich you've heard about ad nauseum). Check.
Cramps like a party in my uterus. Check.
BFN. Damnit.

I just want to know

We went to visit S's family in Mississippi over the weekend. I brought the progesterone with me. And the burping. Not the look I was going for with the inlaws. But they politely ignored my new found trucker tendancies. It was a good distraction as the last weekend before our first beta ever crawled by.

As someone who has never really been PMSy (I know, you want to shoot me) I'm not handling the hormonal crazies really well. It's gotten to the point where I just want to know. I want to know if this is really happening this month or if I can throw those fing pills out the window (but not really, because they are damn expensive, and I will be saving them for next month, because I am thrifty that way). To calm my anxiety about the not knowing and the potential for either outcome I've made lists (I'm a master list maker) in my head of the great things about a positive or a negative outcome.

A positive. A POSITIVE! BABY! BABIES? bhaybeeeeeeeee.

A negative. Sushi. Turkey sandwiches from Subway. Decaf coffee. Diet soda. Exercise that actually overheats my body. No more crazy pills.

I'll get the beta call tomorrow. After which I'll either celebrate or drown my sorrows in spicy tuna and questionable deli meat.

You can't know.

I'm half way through the tww and I just can't know and it's driving me crazy. Or maybe it's the progesterone that is driving me crazy. I'd like to think the moodiness and heartburn and burps and stomach aches and cold sore like I haven't had since I was in the second grade (geez, don't I sound like someone you'd like to sit next to on a long plane ride) are all due to a miracle the size of a poppyseed making itself comfortable in my uterus. But I'm inclined to think it's just those evil vag pills.

Most of the time I can't decide if I want to scream at the person on the other end of the conference call or cry over a deoderant commercial. It's bad. I was just asking S the other night (I might have to live with these side effects, but she has to live with me living with these side effects, which, believe me, is worse), why is it that hormones make your sads and angries sadder and angrier, but they don't make your happies happier. Because that would be nice.

But I guess I can't know that either.

One week down, one week (and 13 more pills) to go.

PS
I just turned down an awesome freelance job because it would require me to fly >20 hours each way when I'm either 9 weeks pregnant, 5 weeks pregnant, or still trying to get pregnant. This is a big deal for self-employed-over-acheiver me. And I think I want to cry. Or scream.

Timings, Linings, and Gold Stars (oh my)

Today was our first IUI. Ever. Have I lost my gold star? S says, definitely not. I say probably not. But I'm still not 100% sure on the specifics of the matter. I guess it depends if you're a purist or not.

Lining. Dr. OB (who S and I are both slightly scared of and who almost was nicknamed Dr. BM as in beside manner and her lack there of, until I thought better of it) made several frowns and concerned noises over my lining of 12 mm. She says the average is 7-10 mm and my precocious lining could be my old friend the polyp growing back and if this cycle doesn't take I'm up for an HSG next month. BUT. After much googling, it seems other practices find 8-12 mm to be "normal" and anything over 15 mm to be "concerning". Anyone else out there have experience with an extra thick lining?

Timing. Looks like our IUIs will be at 16 hours and 41 hours this month (post-trigger shot). In all of my months of blog stalking, it looks like the range is 12 hours to 48 hours, depending on your clinic and the number of planned insems. We're going to do 2 this time, but I'm wondering if 48 hours isn't a bit too late. Maybe I just need to put down the laptop and stop being overly concerned with every little detail. But I have to admit the science geek in me (and I'm about 98% science geek) finds obsessing over the details thrilling.

Second insem for cycle #1 tomorrow morning....