Friday, December 30, 2011

Wait in the cafeteria

That was our agency's solution to our high anxiety about birth father's violent past...come to the hospital for the birth, but wait in the cafeteria if he's present. Needless to say we weren't happy with that answer. Not that it might not be good advice if we want to avoid birth father altogether (we don't), but we were expecting more "counseling" on the matter. I guess that's lesbians for you, always wanting to process....

Which of course, we did. Luckily (or predictably?) I had a therapy session scheduled for Thursday anyway, so I introduced my wife to my therapist and we had a little couples counseling on our fears and our hopes. It really helped. We are definitely scared (of all kinds of things...revocation period, unpredictable birth father) but we also really want to be present for this peanut. So we're going to do our best to make this a positive experience and try to manage our fear and anxiety and just be present and take it one step at a time.

Honestly, I feel like an overstretched balloon. I may or may not have about jumped down S's throat when she made an off-hand, innocuous comment about my driving. So what if we cried in the Tar.get parking lot. We also left with 4 bags of peanut essentials (who knew they put all the baby stuff on clearance after the holidays - hello super cute fleece pants for $1.50 - and on that side note - geez, do I love little boy clothes - as well as the designers at Tar.get who make all the little boy clothes look just like itty bitty lesbian outfits). Just sayin':
Genuine Kids from OshKosh Newborn Boys Long-Sleeve Plaid Woven Top - Blue

Thursday, December 29, 2011

A few details...a big question

Things have been *happening* over here. I've kept the details to myself a little for privacy's sake and a lot just because it's emotionally exhausting and I only have energy for sleeping and eating cookies. I never knew being chosen by a birth mother would be even harder than waiting for one to pick us.

The good news: she changed her mind again and we met her yesterday and she is all the good things we day dreamed about...most importantly she loves this peanut and wants to be a part of his (it's a boy!) life after the placement.

The crisis: After we met the birth mother we came home and googled the birth father’s name. He was arrested (and since released) for a violent crime last year. Now we’re freaking out. The birth father is against the adoption and we’re afraid he’s going to come over and beat us up or kidnap the baby. Maybe over reacting. But maybe not.

So that’s where things stand. Precarious...with baby set to arrive any second.

We're trying to reach our agency (for words of wisdom) but they are closed for the holidays and the on-call person is in the midst of a more pressing crisis (c-section). We don't know what to do. Brain says run, heart says stay.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Slipped through our fingers

And just like that the roller coaster is over. The birth mother we were working with has not responded to emails (1 from us, multiple from agency) and phone calls (1 from us, multiple from agency). Our adoption counselor recommended we unmatch. She is processing the paperwork right now.

We are grateful for so many things:

  • That she didn't change her mind *after* she placed the baby with us
  • That this process of matching and unmatching has been relatively quick and we can be placed back in circulation after just a few weeks and not after several months
  • That we didn't get to know her and form a strong emotional bond with her only to have to let her and her baby go

We are also sad. Really, really, really sad. Let's face it, even with my whole grateful list, it's not all easy peasy. I'm in a hotel room, getting ready for a work meeting. I wish I was home for this part. For the sad. But I'm in Miami (then Chicago, then San Diego, then home to get the nursery ready...except not. So really, home to eat lots and lots of chocolate). It's been so fun dreaming and scheming with S about everything from car seats to college graduations (OK, we got a little ahead of ourselves). I even got the, um, milkmaids up and running. I'm not quite sure what to do with them now. Just stop the dom.peridone cold turkey?

Also? Last minute hospital placement? You know I'm not going to be able to let that idea go.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Is no news sometimes good news?*

So, we were supposed to meet our birth mother. Sort of a really awkward get to know you over coffee or lunch kind of thing. We called her and she never called back.

Our agency was supposed to set up our official "match meeting" where we go over all the details as far as what happens at the hospital, during the first few weeks, and the next 18 years. They called her and she never called back.

We're feeling a little discouraged over here. It's kind of weird though. Because I'm rooting for both outcomes. I really want her to raise her baby if she feels that's the best choice. And I really want to raise her baby if she feels placement is the best choice. There's sort of no "best case scenario". I think the unknown of it all is really the hardest part. I was telling S, I feel like everything will still be an option until she actually has the baby and we don't get that last minute phone call from our agency. So...everything is up in the air...I'm not really sure what I "hope" happens...I'm mostly OK with it all but sometimes I'm full of anxiety or hope or discouragement or excitement.

In other news, I had my first dream ever about our peanut. My dreams are *always* anxiety dreams. This one had me getting a last minute call to pick up our peanut, putting him in my purse**, and running around town all worried because I had a baby in my purse but couldn't take care of him because I didn't have any diapers or formula. Disturbing on so many levels, no?

*And all this time I wondered what my 100th post would be.
**I don't even carry a purse.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

99th Post: WE'VE MATCHED

Now that I've returned to real life...where I have time for things like sleeping and getting the mail and saying hello to the cats, I thought I would draw this blogging business out. Save my big news for that special 100th post. But, forget that. This is TOO HUGE. We've matched with a birth mother!

I am beyond excited. And scared. And excited. Did I say excited? I'm excited. I want to tell you all about her, but I feel like I should be protective of her info. But let me tell you this:

  • She is due in a matter of weeks. As in more than 4 but less than 10.
  • I do not know if she is having a boy or a girl and I do not know if she knows if she's having a boy or a girl. I didn't ask on purpose. I might later. I don't know.
  • She's not sure about her placement plan. And our agency is all, "red flag, red flag, red flag". And I agree. She has huge doubts and I am trying to keep my hopes and expectations under control. But today, today I am happy and excited!
  • After that first phone call, I started popping the birth control pills (part of the induced lactation plan). I've never really had to take bcp before. Damn, by bo.obs are big! (I am so interested to see how this bfing thing goes - I'm about to order all kinds of craziness on the internet - tubes and bags and machines and funnels - my inner science geek [which is really more of an outer true identity] is so into this)
  • This baby is not the same race as S or myself. And as much I can say, "that doesn't matter to me", I know that matters to other people. To strangers. And, sadly, to some of S's family. And I already worry that it is too much to ask of this baby - to have to deal with all of that (this certainly deserves its own post - but it's on my mind and I wanted to put it out there)
  • We haven't met the birth mother yet. She's been very hesitant to move forward and we wanted to give her the space to make the right decision for her and her family. We hope to meet her next week. I might die of introversion and social awkwardness.
  • Bring it Tar.get. I got a coupon for $5 off and I am about to buy some baby stuff!!!

And there you have it. I know I might be sad in a few weeks if it doesn't work out, but today I'm excited about the possibility of it all. And I'm just going to trust that this baby ends up exactly where he or she is supposed to be.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Update - the 3.5 month variety

Life has been...hectic. I've started posts a million times in my head, only to be side tracked by deadlines and flights and relationship yuck. Work sucked the life out of me for awhile. I'm pretty sure I single-handedly saved Delta from bankruptcy with all the out of town gigs I was able to book. Believe me, I'm thankful to have the work. But also exhausted. And my stress/absence took its toll on my relationship with S. And basically everything else in my life (friends, blogs, personal hygiene). But while all of that was going on, this was happening too:
  • We were chosen as a "favorite family" two times in September - not at all in October
  • Our profile was sent to 10 potential birth families in September and 9 in October
  • We've been renewing finger prints and physicals and such as parts of our home study have started to expire (weird...makes it sound like rotten cheese)
  • We got THE CALL!

    • THE CALL. The one I thought would never come. She called and she was nervous and I was nervous and I couldn't believe it. It was awkward but genuine. She seemed so unsure of moving forward. She was so scared of what other people would think if she made the decision to place, of what her baby would think. I wished I knew her and could giver her a hug and tell her whatever decision she made would be the right one. But really I just told her that I was glad she called and that I hoped she had a nice day. How...completely... inadequate.

      We didn't hear from her for weeks. I would think about her and hope she was OK. I knew we might never hear from her again, but it was like that door of "knowing her" had opened and now I thought about her and worried about her and hoped she had people supporting her. And then our agency called....

      Sunday, October 30, 2011

      Damn, Vegas

      • Coffee + croissant at the walk-up stand in the hotel = $10.00
      • Enough fake boobs to make me think implants are coming back in style
      • Enough cigarettes to make me think smoking never went out of style
      • $10.00 lost on the penny slots because I was feeling lucky

      Wednesday, October 12, 2011

      Update - the 2 month variety

      Our profile has been live for 2 months as of today. Here's what has happened:

      • We were chosen as a "favorite family" by a birth parent on our agency's website (this is like adding a website to your favorites so you can go back and view it later)
      • Our profile was sent out to 5 potential birth families in August (September's numbers aren't out yet...that's just how our agency rolls...slowly)
      • Time flew by and we are going to have to start renewing parts of our home study this month

      I keep feeling like I should be doing something. But I'm not exactly sure what. Every once in awhile we wander through the baby section at tar.get and find ourselves either oohing and ahhing over tiny clothes with monkeys on the butts or making a quick exit toward safer parts of the store because one of us has started to tear up. We haven't been brave enough (crazy enough?) to buy anything.

      Fingers crossed for month 3....

      Tuesday, October 11, 2011

      Where the mileage mondays went

      Right out the window.

      Seems I have a torn plantaris muscle. Also known as "tennis leg". Even though I don't play tennis. The plantaris is a "vestigial muscle" that up to 20% of people don't even have. Consider it the tonsils of the leg! Two things I've learned: 1) it sure is a bummer to get old and 2) sometimes things you don't even need are a pain in the ass (erm, leg).

      Monday, September 12, 2011

      1 month and zero miles (mileage monday #5)

      Let me tell you about how crazy I am:
      Over the 9.5 months it took us to prepare our paperwork, we had to meet with the agency several times. And while we learned quite a bit about many topics, one of the items that we were often warned about was scammers. We were told about financial scams and emotional scams and how to look for red flags. We were told to be cautious. We were told to contact our counselor if we received any suspicious emails. And today, on the one month anniversary of our profile going live, I am a little disappointed that we haven't even been contacted by a scammer!

      In other news, I am still quite gimpy and while I can walk to town for an ice cream (4 miles round trip) running still causes my calf to spasm. Maybe next week?

      Miles run this week: 0
      Miles run since our profile went live: 14.65

      Tuesday, September 6, 2011


      The ad running in my side bar right now just suggested that some people, "love being done having children" and that I should, "learn more about permanent birth control." There are very few things I don't want to know more about. And that's one of them.

      Clearly my own fault for being a word whore. I am so spending the 3 cents blogher sends me on liquor, deli meat, and soft cheeses.

      Bring it, AARP

      I was officially diagnosed with old age today. By my dermatologist, wikipedia, and google. I think that means polyester pants with elastic waist bands and MORE ICE CREAM, PLEASE.

      Monday, September 5, 2011

      Mileage Monday #4 - the one in which I ran no miles

      First, I want to say congratulations to Jersey and NM on bringing their baby boy home. So exciting.

      In other news....
      Writing a TTC/adoption blog is pretty boring when you're not TTCing and you're in the 6-36ish month adoption wait. So I'm thinking this is about to turn into a what-I-do-other-than-TCC-and-adoption-waiting blog.

      Work is about to get crazy as I dive into 2 months of too much work, including 10 business trips. The silver lining though is the last one is to Athens, Greece and I'm going to bring S along with me. So if anyone has any suggestions/recommendations for Athens in November, feel free to pass them along.

      I am officially not a runner anymore. I f'ed up my calf something terrible. I went to a sports massage guy I know and he spent all 60 minutes on my left calf muscles. After I was 1) in immeasurable pain and 2) slightly embarrassed that I had stripped down to my skivvies for no apparent reason. At least I can walk on it now. I'm still hoping to get back into things in a couple of weeks.

      S and I saw The Debt at the movie theater. The movie turned out to be so good that we both forgave it for the ridiculously stupid last 5 minutes. If you like slightly brainy spy movies, this is a good one. We've also been watching Intelligence on Netflix and we've both decided we missed our calling as either successful drug dealers or covert field agents.

      Miles run this week: 0
      Miles run since our profile went live: 14.65

      Monday, August 29, 2011

      Back on Track (aka Mileage Monday #3)

      I so gave in to the dramarama last week. But today, I am feeling much better about, well, everything. S and I had a great weekend, which included some of my favorite things: sleeping in, laughing with my girl, frozen yogurt, and walking/running outside without feeling like I'm going to melt into a puddle of sticky humidity. Yay. It was good. Much needed and much appreciated.

      Thanks to a strained calf muscle I had to take it easy on the running. I did walk my miles on the days I didn't run, but as a purist, I just can't count those.

      Miles run this week: 4.25
      Miles run since our profile went live: 14.65

      We watched Fish out of Water on netflix and I give it an enthusiastic two thumbs up.

      Friday, August 26, 2011

      Inviting Tragedy

      Waiting is hard. No joke. I guess in the back of my mind I thought we'd be picked fast. Super fast. And now it's been 2 weeks of waiting and it feels like 10 years and I get down thinking about how long it really could be. But that's not what I meant to write about.

      S and I know a few couples who have gone/are going through this process. And one of them recently completed a successful placement. And they posted a picture of themselves with their new baby. They are SO HAPPY. They have these huge smiles and happy, exhausted eyes, and a beautiful baby nestled between them. And it made me so sad. It made me sad for the birth mother and birth father and their families sitting in some other room, with their hearts broken. And it made me feel a little awful inside to want something so bad that is going to cost someone else a broken heart.

      The other thing I've been talking to S about is that it makes me sad (and frustrated) that I can't protect our future peanut from the loss and heartache of their adoption. You want to protect your kids from hurt and pain. And I hate it that on the first day of their little life our peanut will experience loss.

      I know the world doesn't revolve around me and clearly me wanting to add children to our family does not directly cause loss and heartache. And that there's lots I can do, in the way I parent and in the way I work to maintain peanut's relationship with his/her birth family, to make the situation a positive one. And I truly believe in the benefits (to the children and to the birth parents) of open adoption. But sometimes it all just makes me a little sad.

      Monday, August 22, 2011

      Mileage Monday (#2)

      The waiting is hard. I'm obsessed with the little red light on my bberry, hoping it's an email from a birth mother every time. But really, I've just learned that I get way too much junk mail. Certainly I need to let go and live my life because I can't keep up this level of obsession for months...or years.

      S and I had a rough weekend. Fighting like we haven't fought in a really long time. And the fights were pretty much about nothing. Hurt feelings and semantics. I guess that's not nothing. It's more that they were avoidable if either of us had been up to really listening and really caring. But we weren't. Maybe the sugar crash after the adoption profile high? Maybe scardy cats of being close to actually getting what we want?

      But we did run. And I have a huge nasty blister on my heel to prove it. I also have some new socks, so hopefully the blister will be short lived.

      Miles run this week: 6.0
      Miles run since our profile went live: 10.4

      Tuesday, August 16, 2011

      Mileage Mondays (except today is Tuesday)

      S and I are fully and legally cleared to adopt. Our profile is up in the open adoption arena and now we wait for someone to pick us. Every time my phone rings I about jump out of my skin. We don't know how long the wait will be. Three weeks? Six months? Two years? We so hope the wait is short.

      In order to pass the time, and to shrug off the last of that post-wedding-fat-and-happy, ttc-i'll-blame-it-on-hormones, and just plain old there's-no-excuse-for-it weight gain, we've decided to be runners. We also figured it wouldn't hurt to be healthy and in shape when the kid finally does show up. We hear they are a lot of work. (And just as an FYI, we're starting from zero. We're basically turning off the netflix, putting the ice cream back in the freezer, and hitting the pavement.)

      So, instead of counting the days that have passed since we've been waiting to adopt (I think that has the potential to depress me right over a cliff), I'm going to count the miles I've run. Every Monday (except today, which is Tuesday) I'll update the tally.

      Starting from our "go live" date, 8.12.11.
      Miles run this week: 4.4
      Miles run since our profile went live: 4.4

      Monday, August 15, 2011

      Approved! Approved! Approved!

      We finally did it. Our paperwork is approved, our hard copy letters are where they need to be (oh, did I not tell you the part about how the printer shipped our letters to the wrong house...3,000 miles away???), and our profile is online (as of the evening of 8.12.11)!

      WE ARE SO EXCITED!! It took us 9.5 months to get here (wait, who's counting?) but our smiles couldn't be bigger. We are officially available! The wait to start the wait is over!!

      We had a wonderful celebratory weekend together, sharing the news with friends/family and just basking in the possibilities of it all.

      What's next? A few distractions to pass the time. More on that tomorrow....

      Saturday, August 13, 2011


      Brendan over at asked if I'd review their product in exchange for a free print. They make canvas wall art. The idea is, you upload your photo and they create a personalized piece of artwork.

      I chose a photo S took at the beach in Tel Aviv. S is an amazing photographer. She's never taken a lesson and we have an average old camera, yet she always manages to take striking photos. But on to the review...The Good, the Bad, and the Beautiful.

      The Good: The website is super user friendly. They even provide inspiration (if you want it) and you can pretty much order any size canvas. The print I received is true to the original photo. And it is so nice to have a piece of art in our home that is personally meaningful, capturing one of our very favorite shared memories.

      The Bad: My only complaint is that you can see the frame behind the canvas. I think they could easily solve this problem if they stretched the canvas a little tighter or provided some sort of backer.

      The Beautiful:

      Gorgeous, no?

      Wednesday, August 10, 2011

      Thursday, August 4, 2011

      Has anyone else noticed...

      ...that there is an inordinate number of red headed babies born to lesbians? It all started when we watched Making Grace on Netflix one night a year or so ago. Their baby's red hair is even noted in the movie synopsis: "Baby Grace is born on time with bright red hair (a trait known to neither family)". And not to spoil the ending, but Grace is not the only red head they end up bringing home. And ever since then, they keep seeming to appear in my little slice of the world (on blogs, in real life). Not that it means one thing or another, but I find it interesting given how rare the trait is in the general population.

      Tuesday, August 2, 2011

      Blogger comments/Agency comments - *updated*

      Jersey over at the woes of a barren lesbo found the magic cure for the recent Blogger commenting debacle. Go check it out if you too are lost in a maze of comment verifications and log in screens.

      Steps left before we are added to the wait list (which is more like the please-give-me-patience-because-I-feel-like-I've-been-waiting-for-years-and-this-is-really-just-the-start-of-the-process-list):

      1. Email agency to confirm approval only to be told that we are missing two pieces of paperwork (done!)
      2. Hand deliver two pieces of paperwork, one of which is a checklist to guide us on our paperwork journey (seems like we should have received this *before* we completed our paperwork, but - done!)
      3. Receive the news that we will be officially approved by the end of the day and cleared to order hard copies of our "dear birth mother letter" (that was yesterday - still not done) (done!)
      4. Order letters (done!)
      5. Sign letters and mail to distribution center
      6. Confirm distribution center receipt of letters
      7. Agency switches us to "active" and our website goes live

      I'm a list maker and this makes me feel slightly less like throttling someone over at the agency better.

      Friday, July 29, 2011

      And then I was 37

      Damn time flies. How is it that I still feel 22 but my driver's license insists on 37? I feel 40 breathing down my neck. And it's not pleasant. However I do have good news to share.

      HOME STUDY approved. We're just waiting to receive it in the mail so we can add our signatures and get it back to the agency. (There always seems to be just one more step, doesn't there?)

      HAD A GREAT VISIT with my family. My 3 nieces were unbelievably adorable. They left me a b'day voicemail. All 3 of them screaming into the phone at once. Oldest monkey (6 years): I love you to the moon and back! Middle monkey (4 years): I love you one hundred dollars! Baby monkey (2.5 years): Love you whole world! They crack me up (and make me feel all warm fuzzy special).

      BEING WHISKED away by my girl as soon as I get home. We're going to the mountains for hiking and a side trip to the county fair (complete with funnel cake and redneck watching!).

      Guess 37 is not too bad after all.

      This is my first attempt to post from my phone - please excuse the typos (stuck at the airport. trying to catch up on life via blackberry)

      Monday, July 18, 2011

      2 signatures and that time I almost burned down the house

      In (waiting to wait to) adoption news:
      We are two signatures away from actually being approved to join the real live waiting list. I'm trying to dwell on the positive ([almost] almost there [!]) instead of the negative (OM f'ing G we started this damn process last October).

      In other news:
      We had a super good time watching the soccer game on Sunday. And now I can't wait to live vicariously through my children and force them into every sport my mom never let me play. Just kidding. Sort of.

      After the game we came home and I attempted to make this cake as a birthday present to myself (I'll be out of town for my real birthday later this month - and if we're being honest, S is not the baker in the family - but then, by the end of this post you'll realize, clearly, neither am I). I found the recipe via this post over at Love Invents Us. And just as I was cleaning up from all the hard work and daydreaming about the chocolatey payoff, the smoke started coming out of the oven. And I started freaking out. Which turned into me yelling for S to lock up the kitties* so I could open the back door to let the smoke out (we don't have a fan in the kitchen but we do have a smoke alarm that automatically calls the fire department and I have an irrational fear of fire trucks showing up for a false alarm birthday cake gone bad disaster). S tried to fan the smoke toward the door while I burned my fingers rushing the baking sheets to the backyard. The cake remnants now reside in the trashcan. And the house has this vague burny smell. But all is not lost as 1) the smoke alarm never went off and 2) I have a coupon for an ice cream cake from Baskin Robins (mmmmmm, mint chocloate chip).

      *Don't worry, they are fine. In our house locking up the kitties = putting them in the bedroom and closing the door.

      Saturday, July 9, 2011

      Book review - #2

      Blogher was nice enough to let me review a second book. If you're into happy teen lit, you can check out my thoughts on Sarah Dessen's, What Happened to Goodbye here.

      Stay tuned for review #3 (next month maybe?). I was super eager to read this book even before it was added to the review list.

      Thursday, July 7, 2011

      smoke up ass? check!

      Met with the agency today. I reigned in the beast and was professional and polite and stuck to my mental list of what I wanted to accomplish. And the lady across the desk was equally as fake and basically fed me all kinds of polite, concerned-faced answers. We now have a plan to get these final steps done. But no promises that they will be done in a timely manner. I'm kind of torn between being excited about being *almost* done with this pre-waiting paperwork segment and being pissed at all the communication and timeliness fails.

      In emotionally related happy/pissed news, my car broke down in the middle of the road (pissed), the ex-mechanic crack head on the corner offered to fix it (happy - it's a long story), he managed to break more than he fixed (pissed), I took this as a sign that it was time to upgrade my '98 Civic (and maybe not do business with the neighborhood crack dealers) and get our soon-to-be peanut something safer and more reliable to ride around in (happy), I had to pay $400 to get the ol' girl running and trade-in-able (pissed), but if all goes well I'll be taking home a new-to-me civic hybrid on Friday (*super* happy).

      So, I will take a lesson from my wife, who almost always sees the happy in life, and just relax into the oh-my-god-about-to-get-on-the-baby-wait-list-and-a-newish-car-to-boot and feel the happy!

      Saturday, July 2, 2011


      Where did June go?

      I have so many posts that made it as far as my head but never quite found their way to the key board. S and I just returned from a much needed vacation. We literally got lost in the sand dunes of P'town (and have the sunburns to prove it). We were about 15 minutes away from being the tourists that end up in the ER because they were too dumb to bring water and ask for directions. But even that part was lovely and perfect. (and if you're headed that way, try Bliss yogurt and ice cream - yum!)

      Our home study has still not been approved. Not that it's been rejected. It's just sitting on someone's desk. Waiting. For them to look at it. The communication and customer service have S-U-C-K-E-D at this agency and I have gone from playing nice to kicking ass and taking names. I am hoping to have an in-person meeting with them this week to try to get the ball rolling again. It's been 7 months since we signed up and handed over a serious wad of cash. Surely we should at least be officially waiting by now.

      And, completely off topic, but I picked up The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks at an airport bookstore while on a recent work trip and it totally rocked my world. Honest to g-d all this time I thought HeLa was a nice old Jewish lady living in NY and donating her cells. I don't know how my little mind came up with that story, but nothing could be further from the truth. I highly recommend the book.

      Tuesday, June 7, 2011

      Home Study Part III: The Best Line

      Ditzypants sent us the first draft of the home study. Yes, she spelled S's name wrong throughout. And made a few, um, interesting errors. But the best line was this:

      "J shares a home with S, whom she has known for 6 years and has shared a home with for 3 years. S has been very supportive of J’s plan to be a mother. S would like to be involved in the child’s life and to help out in whatever way J needs her to be involved. She is available to babysit."

      Thank you, red state, for reducing my marriage to a babysitting relationship of convenience.

      Thursday, June 2, 2011

      Best. Diet. Ever.

      Accept work trip to Bogota and Guadalajara.
      Try desperately not to drink the water.
      Fail miserably.

      Colombia + coffee = yum.
      Even the hotel coffee was delicious.
      However, I suspect this was the culprit.

      Thank goodness I brought some coffee beans home with me.
      You know, so I can enjoy it without the giardia and all.

      Wednesday, June 1, 2011

      Your Lists (please)

      I saw this, posted by poppycat. And it was so helpful (thanks, poppycat!). And made me want more, more, more. So I thought I'd put out an open call (a shameless plea, really) for people to send their own lists. Maybe you have an old post. Or maybe this will inspire you to write a new one. If you put a link to your must-have-list (or must-avoid-list or best-advice-ever-list) in the comment section (or email me) I'll compile the links and post them for everyone to read.

      *bonus ball*
      I don't know much about cloth diapering (yet). But I'd really like to learn as much as I can so we can decide if that's what we want to do and how to do it and what to purchase, etc. So if you have a cloth diapering post that you want to share, I'd love to read that as well.

      Tuesday, May 31, 2011

      Home Study Part II: The Anticlimax

      After much ulcer inducing anxiety, the home study was a complete and utter bore. Ditzypants was 15 minutes late and stayed *maybe* at total of 15 minutes at our house. The highlights?
      -How would you describe your decorating style? (lesbian chic?)
      -How would you describe your landscape style? (that which requires minimal effort?)
      -What churches are in your neighborhood? (apparently I looked flustered after this question [which was really just me trying not to say, how the f would I know, lapsed jews tend not to keep track of the christians in the neighborhood] she went on to explain it was a state law [STATE LAW!] that they include local churches in the home study even if you do not plan on attending them [honey, if you're reading this - WE HAVE TO MOVE])

      And that was it.
      She asked if we had smoke alarms and fire extinguishers, but did not go looking for them or try to test them (after I spent hours [HOURS!] obsessing over their batteries and functionality and placement)
      She said our house looked nice.
      And that she'd be in touch in about 2 weeks.
      And then she was gone.

      Moral of the story: If you're up for a home study...don't sweat it. But maybe read a few decorating magazines because they're totally going to want to know if you're more of a modern minimalist or French traditionalist.

      In case you were wondering...we're an on-sale-at-Pier1-bargainist.

      You can read Part I here.

      Wednesday, May 25, 2011

      And on the 7th day, god said, "get thee to a specialist"

      It is really important to me to try to breast feed our (maybe, one day) baby. I'm trying to have realistic expectations about the whole thing - that the "trying" and "at least a little bit" will be enough. I'm going to follow this protocol for induced lactation.

      So, first step, stock pile birth control pills since I'll need to start a new box every 3 weeks (no placebos). I make an appointment with my primary care physician, because it's birth control. Women pop these pills every day. No big deal, right? Apparently, it is a very big deal. Dr. Spineless acts all interested at first, listens to my request for a very specific type of birth control, tells me he can't wait to read more on the subject because he just loves learning new things every day, wishes me luck, and sends me on my way to pick up the Rx that he e-filed from his handy little MD iPhone. And I get to the pharmacy to pick up my pills and it's the wrong Rx. He bait and switched me! I call the office and two days later Dr. Spineless calls me back all stuttery and uncomfortable and says that he talked to his OB/GYN friend and *they* just really don't feel OK with the protocol and I can use this *other* BC because they're more familiar with that or what they *really* recommend is that I be followed by a reproductive endocrinologist. And do I know what a reproductive endocrinologist is? They are this special kind of doctor that, blah, blah, blah...."

      Really? I should be followed by an RE for birth control? I was SO MAD. And remember, this is after I paid my copay, paid for my useless Rx, and wasted my time. Ugh.

      However, remember the BFF, with the new baby? Well, guess who knows a lactation consultant. I called the LC and she recommended a midwifery practice in town. I saw the certified nurse midwife yesterday who was supportive and kind and excited. And I walked out of there with the perfect Rx and 5 boxes of samples.

      Me: You're going to give me all five boxes??
      CNM: (chuckling) Yeah, we don't have a lot of use for them here.
      Me: Oh, right....

      I have to say, it was a little tough being in baby birthing central. And it still bothers me when the intake person assumes everyone is straight.

      Intake nurse: What kind of birth control do you use, condoms?
      Me: I don't need any.
      Intake nurse: Well, you'll have to give a urine sample.

      But overall it was a great experience. I ended up not giving a urine sample (TRUST ME, I am the very opposite of pregnant) and they all wished me luck, with all of it (the adoption, the bf'ing) on my way out.

      Home study tomorrow. Here we go....

      Thursday, May 19, 2011

      Home Study Part I

      S and I spent all of last week anxiously awaiting our first meeting with our social worker - the one in which we are interviewed separately. I was convinced she was going to run it like Sudden-Death-Newly-Wed-Game. I thought her main goal was to trip us up and end the meeting with a gruff, "No Baby for You!" So not the case.

      First of all, I don't even know how this lady made it to the appointment. She was sort of rambly and discombobulated. She couldn't focus and kept calling S the wrong name. I don't see how she's been "doing this for years". I don't even see how she makes it out the door in the morning!

      The hardest part (for me) was explaining my mother (who has borderline personality disorder) without sounding like a total freak from a family that runs rampant with mental illness. I'm not exactly sure what impression she was left with. Out of our 4 collective parents, S and I are on talking terms with only 1 of them. For various reasons. Which is kind of a bummer when you're trying to convince people that your loving family can't wait to welcome a little peanut.

      The majority of her questions were about timelines, when I graduated from college, when I started my first job, when I moved to what state. Kind of boring stuff. She asked us what time we usually go to bed (really?). And about our infertility treatments (which surprisingly made me very defensive):
      DitzypantsSocialWorker: So you can't have kids?
      DefensiveMe: YES WE CAN. We just chose not to. At this time. So there.
      And then it was over. Next Thursday she comes to our house for our last meeting. According to Ditzypants, she will be there to see if our place is reasonably clean, if we have a gate around our pool (we don't have a pool), and if there are any holes in the floors or walls (again, really?).

      Here's to hoping this latest hurdle goes smoothly. And that the process for obtaining the final home study approval doesn't take another SIX WEEKS like she indicated.

      Tuesday, May 17, 2011

      This BlogHer Thing

      So, I've been dabbling in this whole BlogHer thing. And I have to say, I like it. I participated in a book review series, and you can read my (brief) thoughts on Girl in Translation by Jean Kwok here:

      In other news: I so have a post brewing about our first meeting with the social worker (from here on out to be known as ditzypants...that should give you a general idea of how the meeting went).

      Saturday, May 7, 2011


      Is that a real thing?
      I have it.

      Remember when my BFF got knocked up?
      And then had a baby shower?

      Well, she is due. In a week. (where does the time go?) And we've been hanging out. Catching up, pre-having-the-baby and all. And it's been nice. And after months of waiting, adoption things have started to happen for S and I. So not only were we talking about BFF's imminent baby, but we were talking about my potential baby. We were discussing things like sleep training and breastfeeding. And I felt like a fraud. I felt like at any moment she would point her finger at me (Family-Guy-Scary-Monkey-Style) and declare me an impostor. The thing is, that was all me. She was acting like I would be a real mom. And I was harboring anxiety that I wouldn't. She was excited for me and giving/seeking/exchanging advice with me like any two about to be moms. And I was feeling icky feelings of not being mom enough.

      It kind of shocked me. I didn't know all that was there. But it's definitely real. And it's definitely a me issue. Because I don't feel that way about *other* people and their adopted children. Parents who have adopted children are real parents to me. But I have some kind of less than/ashamed thing going on in my head. And it kind of feels big. And I kind of hate it.

      Wednesday, April 27, 2011


      ...we've been assigned a social worker.

      There has been much smiling and dancing on our part.

      The timeline is a bummer though.
      October 29 = sign up with adoption agency
      February 4 = adoption agency says they haven't received our federal finger prints yet
      March 23 = adoption agency says they received our federal finger prints back in December (WTF)
      March 28 = turn in paperwork
      April 25 = assigned social worker (yes, I'm annoyed that it took them a month)
      April 27 = social worker calls to set up appointments
      May 12 = "off-site" meeting with social worker
      May 26 = home visit with social worker
      June 9 = social worker estimates she'll finish our report, which means our info officially goes into circulation with the potential baby mamas

      JUNE 9.

      That's a long time to wait to begin waiting.
      But damn, that's not too far away at all and I couldn't be smiling any bigger right now.

      Wednesday, April 20, 2011

      secret agents and a spider

      Wait, wait, wait.
      Boring, boring, boring.

      But we did get our photos done this weekend/yesterday. You don't know me, so you probably don't know that I look like a scared deer in photographs. In. All. Photographs. S loves to take photos. And she happens to be really good at it. So our vacations typically consist of:
      Click. Can you not make your eyes so big?
      Click. Try not to look so scared.
      Click. Seriously. Just relax.

      But back to the trying-to-take-a-photo-for-the-birth-mother-letter. A friend of a friend of a friend is an amateur photographer and offered up her services. We spent a whole day trying to find cute outfits that coordinated but weren't too matchy. There was even an emergency run to the outlet mall - although the best thing we got was a molten lava cake from chilli's on the way home. We tried to apply makeup. I have to say that S looked pretty damn good. I looked like a lost clown. We went to get our picture taken.

      The pictures were sort of kind of OK. But mostly crappy. (I'd show you, but since this is my secret agent baby blog, that information is classified)
      So, we scheduled a reshoot. (it's not that we're super divas, it's more that the adoption agency said we messed up the lighting and had to try again)

      And then.

      I got bit.

      By a spider.

      ON MY LIP.

      Yes, I now look like the proud owner of a rapidly proliferating communicable disease. Luckily I had some antibiotics left over from the LAST TIME* I was bit by a spider. And thanks to good drugs, lots of ice packs, and some poorly applied concealer...ahhh, who are we kidding...that hot mess was photoshop worthy.

      But we have our picture. And you'll have to take my word for it, it turned out kind of nice.

      *Yes, I said last time. And there was a time before that, too. And I have the scars to prove it.

      Sunday, April 10, 2011


      I have not been keeping up on the blog posts. Partly because, as it turns out, waiting to adopt is not all that exciting. No two week waits over here. And partly because I've been traveling for work, which makes me busy and tired. And not very creative. And in need of a writing crutch. So I'm going to steal an idea from A Woman My Age.

      ABC meme

      A. Age: 36. But I swear I feel at least 50. Last week, my 6 year old niece asked me, "what are those lines?" as she reached up to touch my crow's feet (although I guess I got off easy, as she also told all of her classmates that her mom is pregnant and, "that's why she has a big belly." She's not. Pregnant.)

      B. Bed size: Queen.

      C. Chore you dislike: Cleaning out the drain in the kitchen sink. Ugh. Gives me the chills just thinking about it. My lovely wife graciously takes care of that.

      D. Dogs: None, much to my wife's dismay. The deal is the next living thing to come into the house is a kid. Then we'll talk dogs.

      E. Essential start to your day: Coffee. You *don't* want to talk to me before I've had my coffee. Or really any time before 10am. I am not a morning person.

      F. Favorite color: Blue.

      G. Gold or silver: Silver.

      H. Height: 5’3", if I stand real tall and strreeeetch my neck.

      I. Instruments you play(ed): Piano and violin when I was a kid.

      J. Job title: Word hustler.

      K. Kids: Hoping.

      L. Live: The South, unfortunately.

      M. Mom’s name: Carole

      N. Nicknames: J Bean.

      O. Overnight hospital stays: Just once when I was a kid. I have 2 memories of the event: 1) Throwing up all over the nurse and 2) Getting a box of plastic horses as a get well present from a family friend.

      P. Pet peeves: People at the grocery store who can't get off their cell phones, can't figure out where the bar codes are, and don't know how to use the scanner thingy, but insist on being in the self-checkout lane.

      Q. Quote from a movie: I can't think of a single one. My wife is appalled by my lack of movie exposure...I've never seen the Star Wars movies or Top Gun or anything else my hippie mother thought was overtly violent.

      R. Righty or lefty: Righty.

      S. Siblings: None. (Um, the niece in line A is actually my cousin's kid. It's a long story.)

      T. Time you wake up: Depends. Around 7:30 or 8, on a "normal" work day. Guess that whole having kids thing is really going to change my lifestyle.

      U. Underwear: Yes, usually.

      V. Vegetables you don’t like: Cucumber! I don't see how so many people like a vegetable that tastes just like dirty water.

      W.What makes you run late: Reading blogs.

      X. X-rays you’ve had: feet, mouth, lady bits, left arm.

      Y. Yummy food you make: I'm sort of a hit or miss cook. But I did make a batch of cinnamon rolls that people still talk about.

      Z. Zoo animal favorites: I'm not a big zoo person. Although I did see wild turkeys last weekend and that was pretty amazing.

      Monday, March 28, 2011

      Gold Star

      No, not that kind. Although I do qualify. And not even on a technicality.

      S and I get a gold star for turning in all of our adoption paperwork. I hand delivered the packet today.
      Next, home study.

      I totally cried as I drove away from the agency. I've become such a sap.

      Wednesday, March 23, 2011

      Cry, Cry, Cry

      Remember them? And their cover of Fall On Me? That was so good. But that's totally not what this post is about.

      Things that made me cry in the last 24 hours:

      1. Our FBI clearance came in. Yeah! So all those questionable protests I attended in college didn't end up on my permanent record after all :) and we are free (according to the government) to adopt!! (or, at least to move on to the next hoop that must be jumped through)

      2. I was a big girl, and as promised, told my BFF why I can't attend her baby shower this weekend.

      3. Reading this blog and keeping this family in my thoughts and in my heart. Please help any way you can.

      Monday, March 21, 2011

      Ranting from the rooftops

      Um, I did my taxes. And now I'm pissed. I mean, I was pissed before but seeing the numbers in black and white...gah! Let's just say I'm a frugal person. My car is a '98 and I plan to drive it until it dies. But between the self-employed medical premiums, the dermoid surgery, the IUIs, the sperm bank fees, and all the other baby making medical interventions, I could be driving a very nice, very brand new car. Or better yet, I could be driving my trusty old '98 with a baby in the back. Ugh.

      And speaking of medical interventions. Why are people not more upset about the healthcare reform? I saw this today and it got me all riled up. Did you know that in some states it's impossible to get maternity coverage on an individual policy...until the reforms kick in in 2014! In my state I have 1 option for individual maternity coverage and it requires that I pay the premiums for 1 year before the coverage goes into effect and then the policy will only cover 50%. That doesn't sound like insurance, it sounds like racketeering. And yes, I think we should celebrate the victories. And if you live in Maine, you might even be able to help. But no maternity coverage for those in need of an individual policy seems unconscionable.

      I'll be 40 in 2014.

      Saturday, March 12, 2011

      One word can change everything

      Listening to a debate about paddling in schools on the local morning radio show.
      The callers keep confusing corporal punishment with capital punishment.
      Would hate to be the kid caught with a spit ball in a school with the latter policy!

      Friday, March 11, 2011

      Marshmallow fluff? I hate marshmallow fluff!

      One of my clients started this let's-get-healthy-weight-loss-thing. And they invited me to join. I don't know if I should be happy (yay! team player!) or offended (boo! you look a hot mess and better join our program!). But, I succumbed to peer pressure (eeeeeeverybody was doing it) and signed up. I thought it might give a fighting chance to those cute jeans that have been gathering dust in my closet for years...ever since S and I took up eating ice cream in bed. (anyone else put on the first-year-of-marriage 15 and the omg-ttc 20?)

      Yesterday was the first day. And other than over compensating with the coffee and diet coke, all went well. Until last night. When I had this frenzied dream where I was desperately scooping a mixture of marshmallow fluff and chocolate chips out of a mixing bowl with my bare hands. I could not get enough! And the weird thing is...chocolate chips? Yes! You can always count me in (well, except now, when I'm doing this healthy thing). But marshmallow fluff? I hate marshmallow fluff!! If it's a sign of desperation, I can't wait to see what day two brings....

      Wednesday, March 9, 2011

      Shameless plug...

      ...for someone else.

      I was looking for something very specific for S's birthday. And I found it on etsy.

      Nice, right? It's a long story as to why that present was exactly what I was looking for. But I just wanted to say that I loved the pendant when I finally saw it in person and that the customer service was awesome. If you want to check out what else this person sells, you can see her etsy shop here.

      And, btw, I don't know the seller. We're not related. I've never met her. Etc....
      Just wanted to spread the happy around.

      And with that, a happy (now belated) birthday to my girl, S.

      Thursday, March 3, 2011


      Question 1: F

      Question 2: The ever popular write in answer E - just be honest

      And I will. Just be honest. I already picked out a super cute present from her registry. We are tight in that old friend way where you can see each other all the time or sometimes go for weeks without even talking (we both travel for work...I'm in Germany right now...hi!) but just pick up right where you left off. So we'll meet in a coffee shop with our laptops and I'll tell her what's up and she'll understand and life will go on. The thing is, while I dread the baby-shower-ness, I am so super excited for the actual baby-ness.

      Speaking of super excited baby-ness...Yay for the bionics!

      And speaking of super excitedness, it's S's birthday on Tuesday. While this brings us one step closer to being official old ladies (boo), we do have lots of hikes and birthday dinners and one terrific present planned. I'll tell you all about it next week....

      Monday, February 28, 2011

      multiple multiple choice

      My ex-girlfriend is:
      a) Pregnant (on the second try!)
      b) One of my BFFs
      c) Married to a boy
      d) Totally in the closet about her homo past (we'll just call our time together her rumspringa year...except she's not amish)
      e) Having a baby shower next month
      f) All of the above

      My RSVP to the baby shower will likely be:
      a) Sorry, I'm traveling for work that weekend (totally plausible since I do that all the time)
      b) Sorry, I have leprosy (not plausible at all, but who wants to take chances with a pregnant lady, right?)
      c) Sure, I'll suck it up. If I start crying, that's what they have bathrooms for
      d) Wouldn't miss it for the world. I'll be a big girl and leave my jealousy at the door

      Feel free to leave your answers in the comment section....

      Friday, February 25, 2011

      mostly completely off topic

      Remember this? And how I was all, YAY! MY PHONE! I'm so glad to have you back!

      Well, the best cell phone company ever just emailed me to say it's time for my free-ish upgrade. And now I'm eyeing my beloved bberry and wondering if I shouldn't retire it to the recycle bin in favor of something better! newer! faster!

      And here's how it (vaguely) relates to babies. I'm secretly jealous when you all talk about your i.Phones and the cool cycle charter/breastfeeding/napping/blogging/etc apps that you have.

      So here's the situation.
      I *need* businessy type things on my phone (push email, ability to open word documents, etc)
      I *want* fun type things on my phone (an app that will sound an alarm 5 minutes before I ovulate)

      And here's what the best cell phone company ever has to offer:
      L.G Opt.imus S
      BBerry Style 96.70
      San.yo SCP-86.00
      BBerry Bold 96.50
      BBerry Curve 93.30

      Anyone have good/bad experiences that they want to share? Recommendations? (Clearly, none of the above is an i.Phone, but can android save the day and offer me the best of both worlds?)

      Tuesday, February 22, 2011

      thank you and better and where are you

      Thank you all so much for your sweet comments. I guess that is what I was looking for. To know that others have been here and that it is surmountable. Things are better (recovering?) at home. S has taken responsibility, in a way she never has before. And more importantly, she's taken some action to learn and grow from her mistakes. I'm feeling raw and bruised and a little skittish. But also thankful and even somewhat hopeful. We've sort of mashed together a new perspective - that we treat each other and our relationship as precious and that this is a journey and as long as we are always committed to working hard at understanding and meeting each other's needs, we'll be OK. I guess that sounds a little on the hokey side, now that I write it down. But I think it is going to work for us.


      Jenny. Where are you? I so appreciate all the comments you leave me, but I can't figure out how to get to your blog. Every time I click on your pic or your comments, there's no link. I'd love to follow

      Friday, February 18, 2011

      Bad to worse

      I'm not sure there's a good reader's digest version of this 4+ year story. But let's just say that S and I hit a very low place in our relationship last month. And then it turned into this really great place. Like something clicked. And we were finding our way to that sweet, supportive, connected, thriving, intimate relationship we both have always wanted.

      And then.

      Last night.

      She says that while we were in the throes of frustrating and over processing agony...she went out with her friends...and got drunk...and danced and groped and kissed inappropriately...and proceeded to drive herself home while wasted.

      We are both 36. Too old for this shit.

      And this is not the first time she has done this.

      And I am having a hard time trying to figure out what is saving myself and what is honoring my commitment and supporting a person I love. It must be a very fine line, because I cannot find it.

      Wednesday, February 9, 2011

      A non-post

      Things are pretty quiet 'round here now....
      (10 bonus points if you know what song that is from)

      S and I have been having a rough time of it. As we tend to do. The story is long and complicated. We unpacked some boxes of old hurt and let some fights go too far. Now we're recovering. There is definitely some good that came out of all of it, as we are being more gentle and sweet with each other. But it's just too bad it had to come to that.

      I've sort of been a late bloomer in all aspects of my life and I was under the (false) impression that if I waited until I was older/more therapized/wiser/established/etc I would have a better relationship with my partner. Not true. I am definitely older and more therapized and possibly wiser and more established than I was in my 20s, but even approaching my 40s, this relationship stuff is hard!

      Friday, January 28, 2011

      Mustering up some good vibes

      Things at my house suck right now. And I will leave it at that. But in an effort not to be completely MIA from my blog I thought I'd send out this sometimes-people-do-nice-things story to the world.

      If you've read for any length of time, you probably know I travel for work somewhat frequently. Over the years I've had pretty good make-the-flight, not-arrive-too-delayed, didn't-lose-my-baggage karma (knock.on.wood.) And partly due to that, I've gotten a tad lazy about leaving on time for the airport. So. Last week. I dawdle too much leaving the house. I get to the airport and there's just about no parking. I *finally* park and again dawdle too long answering emails on my bberry. And then I rush to my flight. And at this airport, you have to take a train to your terminal (well, you don't have to, you can walk, except when you're late, because the train is faster). But the lady in front of me is moving soooooo slow. And I'm getting annoyed. And the train is about to leave and I don't want to wait for the next one. So I run past little-slow-lady and jump on the train...just in time to see my bberry fly from my jacket pocket and fall directly in the 1 inch space between the train the floor. I couldn't have thrown the damn thing in there if I had tried!! And that's it. It's gone. ("Oh, that's bad," says the observant man next to me on the train)

      So, yadda yadda yadda....

      After freaking out, catching my flight with just seconds to spare, and getting online mid-flight, I manage to email the man who is in charge of the trains at the airport and:
      1. He emails back right away to say that he'll send a tech down that night to see if my phone is down there
      2. He emails again to say that not only did they find my phone, but it wasn't smashed to smithereens by the train and seems to be working
      3. After I get back to town (2-bberry-less-days-later) he meets me in the middle of his work day to give me back my phone
      4. He refuses to accept the gift card I got him as a thank you and says, it's just part of his job...

      ...thus restoring my faith in humanity and my access to my client contacts and my free bubble game app.

      Wednesday, January 19, 2011

      Dumb question

      How come I can't comment on some wordpress blogs? (or maybe all wordpress blogs and I just don't realize it) They ask me to log in. And to get a log in, they ask me to start a wordpress blog. Clearly I am missing something. Or I just haven't had enough coffee. Help for the technically challenged?

      Hi Pom! I'd love to comment back as I've been following for awhile but...I can't...yet.

      Saturday, January 15, 2011

      Blogoversary! And a recipe!

      Happy blogoversary to me.
      Today is the anniversary of the day I started this blog, even though I didn't actually start posting on a regular basis until June.

      This isn't where I thought we'd be a year later. But it's where we're at.
      And even though my new year's resolutions were a bit on the depressive side, my look-back-at-a-year-of-blogging is feeling rather hopeful:

      • S and I are in a much better place. Than we've ever been. And that is good. In fact, it's a minor miracle
      • We have a gonna-get-a-baby plan that we are happy about
      • We have hope for 2011, for all kinds of things

      So, in celebration, I'm offering up my favorite new recipe. I'm somewhat of a lapsed vegetarian (what started with, I'll add salmon back to my diet, has ended with, I'll take bacon with that). But thanks to this movie, S and I have been inspired to make better choices and eat more veggies. So I offer you:

      Spicy Spaghetti Squash
      (accommodations made at the end for those who don't like spicy*)

      1 spaghetti squash halved lengthwise and seeded
      2 TBSP olive oil
      1 onion chopped
      2 cloves garlic minced
      salt and cayenne pepper to taste
      1 can stewed tomatoes with jalapenos
      2/3 cup feta cheese crumbled
      3 TBSP black olives sliced

      Preheat oven to 350F. Lightly grease backing sheet. Place spaghetti squash, cut side down, on baking sheet and bake for 30 minutes or until sharp knife can be inserted with little resistance. Remove squash from oven and set aside to cool. When cool, use a large spoon to scoop out pulp and set aside.

      Heat oil in skillet over medium heat. Saute onion and garlic until tender. Add salt and cayenne pepper to taste. Stir in tomatoes and cook until warm (you may not want to add in all the liquid as sometimes it turns out too wet). Add the scooped out squash and stir. Take off heat and toss with feta and olives. Serve warm.

      *If you don't like spicy, use plain stewed tomatoes or fresh tomatoes instead. Also, you can replace the cayenne pepper with chopped fresh basil. Add the basil at the very end with the feta and olives. Yum!

      Thursday, January 13, 2011

      Open Adoption

      That's what we're doing.
      I wrote out this whole long post (where I roared my terrible roar and gnashed my terrible teeth).
      But then I didn't post it.
      It was too much. Too much of the grieving over the path not taken. And I don't want to diminish the path we're on.
      We chose this.
      And I chose not to make a follow-up appointment at a new IFV clinic.
      It was a matter of emotion and logic and finances and medical crap and politics (yes, politics...try to get an individual policy with maternity insurance in a red state these days...thanks crap ass healthcare reform) and heartache and love and indecision and maybe a little magic.
      And the best choice for us. Right now.
      And maybe in the end we'll buy one and then bake one, although I feel the time for that slipping away (I'll turn 37 this year).
      But what's most important is, we're doing this. Now. And even though the edges feel a little sad, and I'm definitely a lot scared, the decision feels right.

      And I even saw my BFFs 20-week ultrasound pics and didn't shed a single tear (thanks pr0zac!)

      Wednesday, January 5, 2011

      I have a confession

      When we're on the IVF path, I want to adopt.
      When we're on the open adoption path, I wish we were doing IVF.
      The human condition.
      It sucks sometimes.

      But here's the epiphany moment.
      What I really want is a lovely relationship with S, where we have fun having [insert euphemism for s3x], and easily and simply make a baby that is the creation of our two souls coming together.

      What I have is a relationship with S that is hard work and sometimes cuts me to my soul, a reproductive system that is putting up a spectacular fight, and a partnership that logistically precludes the creation of a genetically ours baby.

      But I also have options.
      And sometimes my holding on to the (impossible) I-wish-scenario makes me hate my options instead of appreciate them.

      I just decided that my 2011 resolution is going to be being more open to the options in front of me, appreciating what's amazing about them, grieving the loss of what-my-plan-was, and not discounting what-is by holding it up to what-I'd-hoped-would-be.
      And for f-ck's sake, quit with the whatifs and the ifonlys and the ishouldves.

      Monday, January 3, 2011

      the good, the bad, and the funny

      1. I have now spent a week obsessing over fibroids, my inability to get maternity insurance (that's a whole other post), could've/should've/would've's, if only's, and what to do next. And you know what it's brought me? The beginnings of an ulcer and peace. Yes, that's right. Because what I've realized is, we're 1(ish) steps away from adding a baby to our family. Within the next few months we either get cleared for IVF or get our homestudy approved. And if we're really lucky, one of those two things will bring me what I really want. And that's a family. And that's good.

      2. Damn, this infertility crap has taken a toll on my relationship with S. And that's bad.

      3. This made me LAUGH. And who couldn't use that?