Wednesday, January 5, 2011

I have a confession

When we're on the IVF path, I want to adopt.
When we're on the open adoption path, I wish we were doing IVF.
The human condition.
It sucks sometimes.

But here's the epiphany moment.
What I really want is a lovely relationship with S, where we have fun having [insert euphemism for s3x], and easily and simply make a baby that is the creation of our two souls coming together.

What I have is a relationship with S that is hard work and sometimes cuts me to my soul, a reproductive system that is putting up a spectacular fight, and a partnership that logistically precludes the creation of a genetically ours baby.

But I also have options.
And sometimes my holding on to the (impossible) I-wish-scenario makes me hate my options instead of appreciate them.

I just decided that my 2011 resolution is going to be being more open to the options in front of me, appreciating what's amazing about them, grieving the loss of what-my-plan-was, and not discounting what-is by holding it up to what-I'd-hoped-would-be.
And for f-ck's sake, quit with the whatifs and the ifonlys and the ishouldves.


  1. ay, it's the pits, wanting that stuff, isn't it? i try to focus on all the miraculous things we've been able to do about the fundamental problems, but the fact remains that i really wish we could have just turned up the barry white and ended up with a baby that is half me and half her. for a geneticist's daughter, i'm banking pretty hard on nurture mattering a LOT.

    as for wanting ivf when working on adoption and vice-versa, yes. i think it's a little bit akin to something wise i read about finding out the sex of a new baby. there's inevitably a loss, because you've imagined both scenarios all the way out, imagined the child that would come, imagined a whole life for that child. and the moment you find out, you lose one of those imagined children. the loss isn't about not wanting what you've gotten; it's about having created both possibilities in your mind.

    does that make any sense? all i mean is that i imagine that you have a pretty complete imagination of the child you would have from ivf and the one you would adopt, and that pursuing either might feel like abandoning the other.

  2. I find myself thinking about adoption A LOT lately. We've always talked about wanting to it, like you, ideally after being pregnant first. I know it's hard, but I think it's great that you're pursuing both options. My friend's sister did that and ended up giving birth and adopting in the same year!

  3. How great would life be if we could just banish the whatifs and the ifonlys and the ishouldves? Your resolution is a fantastic one - one we would all do well to adopt.

    It is good that you still have these options available to you, although that doesn't banish the suckyness of not being able to just wham-bam-thankyou it like the majority of the populations seems to be able to do.

    It does seem reasonable that you have yearnings for one option when you're going toward the other, and I think bionic baby mamma has written it really nicely. I can imagine there will be a mourning process for the child you've envisioned in whichever scenario you don't go with.

    The end result though, whichever way you end up going, will be one (or more?) lucky little person in a home with two loving parents.

  4. I just wanted to say thanks to all 3 of you for the above comments. They inspired me and helped me to see things in a new and better way. They helped me to feel more sane and normal. And S and I have been having some good walks and some good talks and I am feeling more at peace with everything. So thank you.

  5. I know this is an old-ish post and I must have read it when you wrote it because you've been in my reader for ages, but I wasn't in the space to be grabbed by it then and today, I am. Today, it was exactly what I needed to read. So, thank you. And hi, by the way. I've been reading your blog for a long time but I'm pretty sure I haven't been coaxed out of lurkdom until now. :-)