Tuesday, February 28, 2012

February was so long that it lasted into March

February has been a long hard road. That failed match brought up all the old infertility sad. I knew it was still there, but I didn't know it was RIGHT there. And SO BIG. And f*ck, it just sucks. So I've been avoiding my own blog, but obsessively reading everyone else's. Which is kind of like picking at a scab. Because every time I ready someone else's happy news my gut wrenches for my own sad news. I need to stop doing that (not stop reading, stop acting like good news is finite and if someone else gets some that means I don't get any). It's just that I have this little bit of hope left. That maybe we'll be matched (relatively) soon. And that maybe I'll get health insurance with maternity coverage before I'm 40. And that maybe we'll decide we do want to try IVF for our second kid. And that maybe then we'll be so lucky to complete our family with our original plan (except backwards...buy one/bake one). But then I remember that my insides are a wreck and for me IVF means another surgery (maybe multiple), which would lead to a mandatory c-section should I be lucky enough to get pregnant, and I'd only have 1 40-ish year old ovary making 1 ovary's worth of 40-ish year old eggs. And then I feel like that road would be foolish and I lose all hope. And I start to grieve that path (again). But then somehow, over time, that hope sneaks back in and I start the cycle over (again). The thing is, I'm 37 (and a half!). And I don't know what's going to happen between now and 40 (my self imposed time limit for having kids). And I need to be OK with that. Because clearly, if there's anything I've learned in these 37 (and a half!) years, it's that you don't get to pick your plan...and if you do, the only thing you can count on is it not happening that way.