Tuesday, February 28, 2012

February was so long that it lasted into March

February has been a long hard road. That failed match brought up all the old infertility sad. I knew it was still there, but I didn't know it was RIGHT there. And SO BIG. And f*ck, it just sucks. So I've been avoiding my own blog, but obsessively reading everyone else's. Which is kind of like picking at a scab. Because every time I ready someone else's happy news my gut wrenches for my own sad news. I need to stop doing that (not stop reading, stop acting like good news is finite and if someone else gets some that means I don't get any). It's just that I have this little bit of hope left. That maybe we'll be matched (relatively) soon. And that maybe I'll get health insurance with maternity coverage before I'm 40. And that maybe we'll decide we do want to try IVF for our second kid. And that maybe then we'll be so lucky to complete our family with our original plan (except backwards...buy one/bake one). But then I remember that my insides are a wreck and for me IVF means another surgery (maybe multiple), which would lead to a mandatory c-section should I be lucky enough to get pregnant, and I'd only have 1 40-ish year old ovary making 1 ovary's worth of 40-ish year old eggs. And then I feel like that road would be foolish and I lose all hope. And I start to grieve that path (again). But then somehow, over time, that hope sneaks back in and I start the cycle over (again). The thing is, I'm 37 (and a half!). And I don't know what's going to happen between now and 40 (my self imposed time limit for having kids). And I need to be OK with that. Because clearly, if there's anything I've learned in these 37 (and a half!) years, it's that you don't get to pick your plan...and if you do, the only thing you can count on is it not happening that way.


  1. I'm sorry it's been so hard--I've been thinking about you, and was afraid that you were having a rough time. The thing is, however you get your family there's never going to be a plan. And although I totally understand the self-imposed time limits, maybe yours isn't fair to you? Maybe it's like how when I was 16 my plan was to meet the love of my life my freshman year in college, get married 3 months after graduation, and then have kid #1 at 24. It was a nice plan, but that's not how life works. If it turns out that it's right for you to try IVF and all that entails but you cross that line to 40, it's ok to change the plan. Meanwhile, I've got everything crossed that you will be matched sooner than anyone could hope.

  2. oh, darlin'. i just want to say that no matter how rationally it is true that good news is not finite, other people's happy babies are not taking yours from you, and all that, sometimes wallowing in other people's happiness just blows monkey chunks. it is okay to skip it when you can, since lord knows there are probably people in your real life you can't just not comment to. everybody out here knows what that feels like.

    meanwhile, here's wishing you the bluest skies, and hoping something better comes tomorrow.


  3. ((hugs))

    i really hope you find your match soon. while the scars don't ever go away, having a baby around sure does help with the healing.

    meanwhile, go on and wallow. it's okay.

    (confession: i still have a hard time reading blogs of people who conceived through IUI, esp at home.)