I just got the call

I love you, grandpa.

3 Weeks: A Mini Update

• I emailed HR - IVF coverage confirmed - dancing on the rooftops ensues
• Quick call to the RE's office and I have an ultrasound scheduled for the next day - I wanted them to check on my fibroids - if they've grown and surgery would leave me looking like swiss cheese down there, I don't want to give up my self-employment for this new job
• Good(ish) news - I'm an IVF candidate! Primary fibroid has grown - about the size of an orange (I'm working on a bit of a fruit basket - last time I had a dermoid the size of a grapefruit) and I'll still need the polyp removed. But RE says it's a simple surgery (maybe "simple" for him to do, but I'll be in the hospital for 1-2 nights and in bed for 4 weeks!). The day of my appointment it's CD9 and I have only 3 antral follicles (not a promising number), my ovaries are smallish (boo), and he draws blood to check my eggs (for IVF) and my iron (for surgery)
• Talk with THE BOSS at the new job. SIGNIFICANT pay cut confirmed. Also, he's not looking to hire someone right away and won't even know until April if he's actually going to fill the spot (grrrr)
• I talk with S about pros and cons and we decide we want to go for it - now just waiting for official job offer
• My family calls to say my grandpa is dying on the other side of the country
• I catch the next flight out and spend two weeks with family. It is unbearably sad. He is like my Dad, but better, because he is my Grandpa. During one of my visits, he wakes up and is about 75% coherent and we have this great conversation. As of today, he is still alive, but he is not waking up anymore. I am just wishing him pain-free peace.
• While I'm with family, the lab calls with my blood results and I'm within "normal" for everything (the old side of normal) - I couldn't believe it - I was secretly convinced they were going to call to say I was in menopause and should quit being crazy and showing up at RE offices
• I flew back home yesterday. It's been really hard. He was one of the safest places I had as a kid. My kids are going to miss out, there is no one better to share a pepperoni pizza with
• So what's next? As far as IFV - I wait to get the official job offer (hopefully they are hiring in April), I wait to get my new insurance instated, I wait to see if I'm actually going to be covered (IVF requires pre-approval, not sure how my medical history will affect that), I wait for CD1, and then I call to schedule the surgery, cross my fingers, and hope, hope, hope

Shameless Self-Promotion

I like BlogHer.

Sometimes I sign up to do promotions for them.

Mostly, it's because I either like the product or I like the project. Sometimes, it's just because I want to make a buck*. Today it's both.

And with that disclaimer, I offer you my link to appSmitten.

appSmitten is kind of neat. Particularly if you are kind of lazy. If you sign up, they will email you a newsletter showcasing a few apps. You can pick the frequency (of emails) as well as the category (of apps). They even have a special category for kid-friendly apps.

I signed up, and so far I like it. You can sign up too. For free!

*Literally - if you sign up, they will send me a dollar.

A fork in the road

A bazillion years ago (or maybe just 1.5), S and I were sitting in the RE's office and he said I would need 1-2 more surgeries and IVF if we wanted to pursue having biological children. We decided we didn't want to be on that path and a couple of months later we were signed up with an adoption agency.

And about 6 months after we made that decision, I felt like I had changed my mind. And I wanted to do IVF . But thanks to the changes in the healthcare system (don't get me started) I could no longer get maternity coverage. And thanks to the asshat government in our state, I'm not allowed to be on S's insurance. I've regretted that no IVF decision ever since.

I work for myself. I have an awesome business and I love what I do. LOVE IT. But one of my clients just offered me a job. That comes with health insurance. That re-opens the door to IVF.

My business = freedom to come and go when I please. I do my work when I want to and if (when) this adoption finally happens I can cut way down on my hours - we might have to tighten our financial belts a little, but I'll have the option to spend much of my day caring for our baby. And I really want that.

New job = less freedom, but more options. We can do IVF and adoption. I won't always wonder, what if we had tried. I'll still work from home, but I'll be expected to be available from 9 to 5 and not have a crying baby on my hip (and to do some out of town travel). We'll need significant child care.

But what I can't figure out (yet) is, does being sad about not having biologic children mean that I need to pursue IVF, or does it just mean I need to grieve the path not taken. Do I go for the health insurance and pursue the dream of "having" our kids with all of my might - feel like we did everything possible even if in the end all we have is a broken heart and an empty bank account (let's not forget that my lady parts are not in mint condition - with 1 dried up ovary and a rocky uterus I'm not the best IVF bet - but do we make this decision based on fear of unwanted outcomes)? Or do I trust the path we're on and enjoy the freedom my business offers our family?

I want it all. I want IVF that works. And an adoption that works. And a job that lets me stay home, but still pays the bills. Apparently, what I really need is to win the lottery.

PS

I just found out that the state where this company is located has mandatory IVF coverage. However, it's a very small company so I'm not sure if they're allowed to circumvent the rules or if my living in a different state would mean the rules don't apply to me.

You know what's terrific?

Just putting it out there made me feel so much better. (and you guys always leave the nicest [and wittiest] comments...even made S tear up when she read)

Also terrific:

(in bed...with netflix...such a very good bad habit)

(also happens to be good in bed...particularly when I'm feeling angsty)

(S with fresh sand highlights...also good in...well, you get the idea....)