Tuesday, March 6, 2012

A fork in the road

A bazillion years ago (or maybe just 1.5), S and I were sitting in the RE's office and he said I would need 1-2 more surgeries and IVF if we wanted to pursue having biological children. We decided we didn't want to be on that path and a couple of months later we were signed up with an adoption agency.

And about 6 months after we made that decision, I felt like I had changed my mind. And I wanted to do IVF . But thanks to the changes in the healthcare system (don't get me started) I could no longer get maternity coverage. And thanks to the asshat government in our state, I'm not allowed to be on S's insurance. I've regretted that no IVF decision ever since.

I work for myself. I have an awesome business and I love what I do. LOVE IT. But one of my clients just offered me a job. That comes with health insurance. That re-opens the door to IVF.

My business = freedom to come and go when I please. I do my work when I want to and if (when) this adoption finally happens I can cut way down on my hours - we might have to tighten our financial belts a little, but I'll have the option to spend much of my day caring for our baby. And I really want that.

New job = less freedom, but more options. We can do IVF and adoption. I won't always wonder, what if we had tried. I'll still work from home, but I'll be expected to be available from 9 to 5 and not have a crying baby on my hip (and to do some out of town travel). We'll need significant child care.

But what I can't figure out (yet) is, does being sad about not having biologic children mean that I need to pursue IVF, or does it just mean I need to grieve the path not taken. Do I go for the health insurance and pursue the dream of "having" our kids with all of my might - feel like we did everything possible even if in the end all we have is a broken heart and an empty bank account (let's not forget that my lady parts are not in mint condition - with 1 dried up ovary and a rocky uterus I'm not the best IVF bet - but do we make this decision based on fear of unwanted outcomes)? Or do I trust the path we're on and enjoy the freedom my business offers our family?

I want it all. I want IVF that works. And an adoption that works. And a job that lets me stay home, but still pays the bills. Apparently, what I really need is to win the lottery.

I just found out that the state where this company is located has mandatory IVF coverage. However, it's a very small company so I'm not sure if they're allowed to circumvent the rules or if my living in a different state would mean the rules don't apply to me.


  1. Oh, what a hard decision. There are so many other questions, too. But how great to have the option to choose! Good luck deciding what the right path is!

    1. I'm kind of in the "I want it all camp too." I say, if the door is opened to you, why not try? You know the odds for and against you. It's not like you're going in blind. Even though I KNOW my innards are not 100% fab, if there is a leftover blast from the thaw when we do our surrogacy FET, you better believe I'm making the case to pop it in me....just in case. You never know.

      On the insurance, the corporate headquarters of my husband's company is located in a state with IVF coverage, but we live in a state that does not have that mandate. Because the insurance is tied to the corp address, we get it. BUT depending on how small your new company would be, there are some workforce requirements that they don't have to comply with. For example, family medical leave. But if they offer insurance to all of their employees and that insurance has IVF coverage, I would think you get to fit into that pot.

      My two cents. Not a lawyer. Disclaimer. Disclaimer...

      Lots of choices and the IVF piece seems to be just a part of it. Wishing you clarity as you and S think through it. Good luck!

  2. Its so hard. I know, cause I've been there too.

    For me, being sad was just a product of not yet grieving the path not taken. I was so sad - and angry, jealous, spiteful, full of self-pity and all sorts of other lovely things. And that was even with a houseful of kids! But once I put the work into really grieving what I had lost, the healing came and the saddness left. I'm no longer sad that we never concieved and I know that we walked the path that was right for us.

    Of course, your feelings may turn out differently and my story may not be yours, but I wanted to throw it into the ring.

    Best of luck in making this decision!

  3. I wish I had great words of wisdom but I don't. What a difficult decision you have in front of you. All I can add is go with your heart, it's usually right.

  4. it's been two weeks since you posted this, so i'm hoping you've been able to figure some of this out.

    also, when did blogger add threaded comments?