Thursday, December 1, 2011

Is no news sometimes good news?*

So, we were supposed to meet our birth mother. Sort of a really awkward get to know you over coffee or lunch kind of thing. We called her and she never called back.

Our agency was supposed to set up our official "match meeting" where we go over all the details as far as what happens at the hospital, during the first few weeks, and the next 18 years. They called her and she never called back.

We're feeling a little discouraged over here. It's kind of weird though. Because I'm rooting for both outcomes. I really want her to raise her baby if she feels that's the best choice. And I really want to raise her baby if she feels placement is the best choice. There's sort of no "best case scenario". I think the unknown of it all is really the hardest part. I was telling S, I feel like everything will still be an option until she actually has the baby and we don't get that last minute phone call from our agency. So...everything is up in the air...I'm not really sure what I "hope" happens...I'm mostly OK with it all but sometimes I'm full of anxiety or hope or discouragement or excitement.

In other news, I had my first dream ever about our peanut. My dreams are *always* anxiety dreams. This one had me getting a last minute call to pick up our peanut, putting him in my purse**, and running around town all worried because I had a baby in my purse but couldn't take care of him because I didn't have any diapers or formula. Disturbing on so many levels, no?

*And all this time I wondered what my 100th post would be.
**I don't even carry a purse.


  1. well, of course you don't carry a purse. you don't need to...yet. one of these days you're going to need somewhere easy and stylish to stash a baby.

    i'm sorry you're in the land of unknowns (again! still!) but i really admire your attitude towards it all. i don't know whether no news is good news this time, but i am full of faith that good news will come.

  2. I completely understand the notion of rooting for both outcomes. Such a strange place to be in, but it sounds like you are handling it with awareness and grace.

    Wishing you all well...