BFF: Guess what, I'm pregnant!
Me: OMG, I'm so excited for you (and I can barely choke down these tears)
Good college friend: Surprise! I'm pregnant! With twins!
Me: Again, so excited, and again, biting my lip to keep the tears in check.
I am genuinely happy for my friends. Ecstatic even. I can't wait to meet and love on their babies. I wouldn't wish fertility struggles on anyone. But I surprised myself with the amount of self-pity tears, the disapointment tears, the why-isn't-it-my-turn tears. It makes me a little sick to my stomach just writing it, how infertility has brought out parts of myself I'm not proud of. Not only did I not know I had infertility hidden away in a deep dark corner of my lady parts, I didn't know I had a green eyed monster partial to bouts of self pity hidden away in a deep dark corner of my heart and a secret belief that I can't really get pregnant hidden away in a deep dark corner of my brain.
On the plane.
The frequent flyer next to me keeps trying to initiate conversation by telling horribly corny jokes. Doesn't he know MY FRIENDS ARE HAVING BABIES and I'm in no mood for levity. Geez.
12 hours ago