Thursday, September 16, 2010

A disease I can't catch

Phone rings.
BFF: Guess what, I'm pregnant!
Me: OMG, I'm so excited for you (and I can barely choke down these tears)

This morning.
Good college friend: Surprise! I'm pregnant! With twins!
Me: Again, so excited, and again, biting my lip to keep the tears in check.

I am genuinely happy for my friends. Ecstatic even. I can't wait to meet and love on their babies. I wouldn't wish fertility struggles on anyone. But I surprised myself with the amount of self-pity tears, the disapointment tears, the why-isn't-it-my-turn tears. It makes me a little sick to my stomach just writing it, how infertility has brought out parts of myself I'm not proud of. Not only did I not know I had infertility hidden away in a deep dark corner of my lady parts, I didn't know I had a green eyed monster partial to bouts of self pity hidden away in a deep dark corner of my heart and a secret belief that I can't really get pregnant hidden away in a deep dark corner of my brain.

On the plane.
The frequent flyer next to me keeps trying to initiate conversation by telling horribly corny jokes. Doesn't he know MY FRIENDS ARE HAVING BABIES and I'm in no mood for levity. Geez.


  1. I don't blame you. Ugh. I'm sorry.

  2. Double ugh. I've been in exactly this same place more times than I care to count (like when my sis got "accidentally" pregnant with her third kid). It's so hard. I'm glad you can still be excited for your friends though. I lost that for awhile. My deep thought for the day: infertility sucks.

  3. Right there with you - just experienced these same feelings while reading a close friends FB post that they're expecting. None of this process makes sense. Thinking of you.

  4. It's normal, all normal.

    You're not pining for the latest gadget! The desire for a child is such a basic emotion, an instinct. There is no off button, and I find it hard to believe that anyone facing IF can be happy for other people without the slightes pang of sadness at what they're missing.

    (Arrived here from the Crème de la Crème list.)

  5. I hear you. Most of the women who announced their pregnancies around the time of my 2nd loss now have their babies. I am happy for them, I really am... but ouch.

  6. Ditto, all around me the little ones are being popped out. And I hate myself sometimes for the way it all makes me feel - this is not the person I thought I was and I never expected I could feel like this.

  7. Here from creme

    Your feelings are so painful, but also so normal. I think almost every woman who longs for a child gets jealous sometimes. I had never really felt jealous in my life before IF. It's been an interesting learning experience. Now I know that it's not that I'm not the jealous type. It's just that I never really wanted anything that badly before. Sigh.

    I hope you're the one sharing good news soon.