Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Anniversary. The "fuck, this-again?" kind.

It's here (well, in a few days). The anniversary of our home study and when our adoption profile went live. I'm kind of...jaded. I have my sad days. And my hopeful days. But mostly, I'm kind of numb. I definitely have my jealous days. And my ragefull it's-not-fair days. And my happy daydreaming days. But sometimes, I'm just really, really over it. Not over the wanting kids - the wanting to be a parent. But over the waiting and wondering. Over the stupid agency. Over the emotional roller coaster.

Here are some stats on our first 12 months with a live profile:
  • We were directly contacted by 4 birth mothers
  • 1 never called us back
  • 1 was not actually pregnant
  • 2 were matches
  • Our hard-copy profile was sent out by our agency 56 times (that doesn't include the 3 months that they forgot to keep stats. However, it does include the multiple times that they sent it to potential birth families that did not match our "profile")
  • There are 411 families listed with our agency (as of today) and we are number 182 (which doesn't mean anything, really, since this is not the local starbucks and we are not in line waiting our turn)
  • We started "trying" (one way or another) just 1 month shy of 3 years ago
  • We feel more prepared to be parents now than we did 3 years ago
  • I feel less hopeful, now, that we will be parents than I did 3 years ago
  • We recently moved to a "good" school district, even though we don't actually have any children

Here's to this list looking very, very different in August 2013....


  1. I hope that the next year has much better news than this list has. Don't lose hope..we all have to hang on. It'll happen!

  2. I feel your pain. We have only started our waiting, but the doubts have already crept in. Will this ever really happen? How on earth are we ever going to be chosen by a birth family? It's enough to drive a person crazy. I try to remind myself that things will happen when they are supposed to happen, but then I instantly begin to worry about what if things are supposed to happen for a really long time! I am sure words of wisdom and comfort would be more beneficial for you, but all I can offer is that I feel your pain. Hang in there!

  3. I'm so sorry. I know this feeling in one way or another even though our paths haven't been exactly the same. Hang in there. I too hope that things look very different this time next year for you.

  4. It's tough to be on the waiting end no doubt. But I know this will happen you you guys! I just know it! When our adoption happened it was so quick. Like one minute we were still mourning the loss of ths twins and the next minute I was in a hospital room with a day old baby in my arms. I still can't believe we made it through all that. But we did, and you guys will too. Your family is out there and it will find you trust in that :) Hugs to you both and hang in there *hugs*