Checked out

Checking in to say I have checked out. I haven't been dealing well with losing my grandma. Well, I haven't been dealing with it at all. I've just sort of cut myself off from everything...friends, S, work, things that made me happy (like blogging). I know it's not forever (the hiding behind the walls, I mean). It's just that the world feels like a whole new scary sad place and I don't know how to be in it right now. But there's so much other stuff going on that deserves talking about:

• My surgery is on Tuesday. I wasn't scared for my 2010 surgery because I didn't know what was coming. This time I know, and my anxiety is through the roof. At my pre-op appointment this week, my doctor said my fibroid is basically trying to eat my uterus (my words, not hers) and there is a significant chance they will have to cut me wide open (C-section style) to save the integrity of my ute. Fingers crossed that they can do it all with the fancypants robot and I end up with an intact uterus and minimal recovery time
• Adoption. What with all the IVF talk one might think that adoption has been pushed to the back burner. It hasn't. We still want it all. And we're still trying to make it all happen. There always seems to be a lot of paperwork in the second half of the year and we've been plugging away at it (I still don't have TB and I still passed my drug screen with flying colors...although I keep wondering what they would do if any of our tests came back positive). We had 2 matches fall through in 2012 (one in January and one in June), so it's hard not to be jaded. We're currently 146 out of 436 people waiting to adopt with our agency. Feels kind of like being picked last for dodge ball. We know it will all work out when it's the right situation. But it's hard to be patient. And it's really hard to accept that none of our kids will ever know my grandparents. This isn't the way it was supposed to happen.

There's all kinds of other stuff going on too, some of it really great and amazing (like S's new job and the miracle that is my new health insurance). I'm really glad I have this place, to share my thoughts, and to share in everyone else's celebrations and struggles. I'm looking forward to coming back...after the percocet and depression wear off.

Liebster...a little late

What with the sad and the not showering and the overeating of ice cream, I've fallen behind with the happier things in my life. I was nominated by Lisa over at (Still) Trying to Conceive, who turned 29 yesterday, for the Liebster Award. (Happy birthday, Lisa!)

The Liebster Award is for up and coming blog(ger)s with fewer than 200 followers. It's a way for all of us touched by infertility hell to get to know each other, and the perfect way for nerdy introverts like me to show that we can too be social.

Here's what I have to do to share the Liebster love....
1. Answer questions from the person who nominated me
2. Nominate 11 blogs with 200 or fewer followers
3. Give those nominees their own questions to answer

These are my questions from Lisa:
1. How do you deal with stress?
Ice cream. Mint chocolate chip (from Trader Joe's, although Breyer's will do in a pinch). And if the situation is dire, the next night will include Ben & Jerry's (Americone Dream, Everything But The, or Coffee Heath Bar Crunch).

2. What is your dream vacation?
I think I have 2 and I think I've been on them both (I know, lucky girl). Exploring the history and culture of Israel and getting completely lost in utter relaxation on the beach in Puerto Vallarta. Bucket list vacations include Peru, Argentina, India, and Thailand.

3. If you were a pickle in a jar, where would you be and why?
At the bottom. Because that's how I feel these days. Overwhelmed and under water!

4. Who has been the biggest influence in your life?
It took me almost 38 years to realize it, but I am my grandma's kid through and through. I'm so glad she was mine.

5. What is your biggest pet peeve?
Ugh. People in the grocery store who clearly cannot operate the self check out lane, yet insist on standing there with their 500 items and pockets full of change, just wasting my time. god made checkout girls for a reason - he wants you to use them.

6. If you could be a crayon color, what would you be?
Deep, dark blue. That just feels like me.

7. Do you have any pets? If no, why not?
Yes, two cats. Buster - named after Buster Bluth from Arrested Development - seriously, they make the same expressions, and Oso - who looks like a little black bear - even though I do think it's a little weird to name one animal after another animal.

8. What is your favorite holiday?
I'm kind of bad at holidays. There is all that expectation and socializing and family-of-origin disappointment. But I love the little family traditions that S and I are creating together. I love to bake her cinnamon rolls for Christmas morning and I love that she mispronounces, but tries really hard, to say all the Hanukkah blessings.

9. If you could only eat one meal for the rest of your life, what would it be? Why?
Mint chocolate chip ice cream! Is there anything better?

10. What do you like to do in your spare time?
Blog stalk, of course. Read things other than blogs. Take very long walks.

11. What do you do for a living?
I'm a ghost writer. At home. In my pajamas.

Now, go check out my Liebster nominations:
1.West Philly Mama - you have to check out her post on synchronized sleeping
2. Erat Mama - who's family just celebrated a very important first birthday
3. Two Mommies Trying to Adopt - they could really use some encouragement right now
4. Something Remarkable - I just recently found this blog. And I had to read the entire thing. Amazing. Writer.
5. Our Baby Making Journey - they are starting a brand new cycle!
6. Our Growing Family - who always has some of the best parenting advice on the web
7. Apron Strings - and their beautiful Miss M who is 9 months old!
8. Lesbo Parents To Be - who has not posted in way too long ;)
9. Bionic Mamas - also one of the best blog writers out there
10. Counting Chickens - and her cute little Halloween Hippie
11. Hapa Hopes - who is using the next 3 months to get ready for their next cycle

And here are my questions for my nominees:
1. What is your least favorite chore?
2. What is your favorite book?
3. If you could wake up tomorrow and magically be successful at a new career, what would it be?
4. If you had to live in a US state other than the one you live now (or other than the country you live in now), which would it be and why?
5. What are the name(s) of your childhood pets (if you didn't have any, what about your favorite doll or toy)?
6. If vacationing on the moon became a thing, would you want to go? (why or why not)
7. If you had to pick one food/drink item that you loved, to give up for a year, which would it be (eg, ice cream, coffee, alcohol, pizza)?
8. What is one of your favorite holiday traditions?
9. What is one thing little kid you always wanted for your birthday (or other holiday) that you never got?
10. Horror movie, comedy, or drama?
11. Beach, mountains, or amusement park?

Forever and ever, amen.

My grandma died Monday morning, 6 months after my grandpa passed in March. They were my safe place. I grew up isolated (mine) and with mental illness (not mine). They were where I went to feel OK. I feel lost without them. I'm glad they're free. I hope they're together. I miss them. And love them. Forever.

Patience

It is not my virtue.
Surgery is finally scheduled. First available is last week of November.
I hate waiting!
But planning is my virtue (and my passion. and my security blanket. and my gift. and probably one of the things that most annoys S). And this gives me tons of time to plan.

Maybe, maybe, maybe IVF in March?

AMH, CoQ10, and an RE I like

I was one lucky duck and my RE called and moved my appointment from November 1 to October 11. That's right, last week. I was ecstatic.

Everything is still pretty much status quo. Fibroid needs to come out and the RE thinks she can get it (and the polyp, and some endometriosis, and an extra little pedunculated fibroid they found, and potentially some adhesions from the last surgery) all at once. PHEW! She was very nice and very knowledgeable and I hope she's the one that does my IVF.

Interestingly, my AMH jumped from 1.3 (last year) to 2.0. I was pretty surprised. In my mind, it's due to a mix of the following:

• My right ovary has healed from the dermoid surgery 2 years ago and is finally contributing to overall ovary duties (freeloader!)
• I started taking CoQ10 about 3 months ago and all the anecdotal evidence on the web is true (yay questionable science!)
• Luck

My RE says that the test isn't that sensitive and I'm probably somewhere between a 1.3 and a 2.0. So there's that. But either way, she said, "I can work with that," and you know what that means? It means hope.

Aside from hope, I also have anxiety (story of my life). Here's what I'm anxious about this week:

• Insurance - things were going OK until the insurance case manager (yes, apparently they have those now) asked me how long I'd been having unprotected sex and I got all snarky about my female partner and she pointed out that I have to have had 6 months of unprotected HETEROSEXUAL sex (her emphasis, not mine) to be considered infertile. This may be the one time that I'm glad my lady bits are such a wreck. What with the ovary, the tube, and the ute all having one issue or another, she said I *may* count as medically infertile. Fingers crossed. (I am so mad at myself for messing that up)
• Surgery - I was supposed to receive a call from the surgery scheduler yesterday or today. So far nothing. I'm basically willing the phone to ring (clearly my powers are limited). There is a lot of other random life stuff I need to plan around the surgery. And of course my eggs feel like little ticking time bombs and I just want to keep this whole thing moving along.

Casualties of middle age

Sometimes I look down at myself and I can't believe this is me. The calendar says I'm 38, my aching joints and spreading hips say I'm 48, but I swear my brain says I'm 28. I hear this never reconciles.

Speaking of my angsty 20s, I spent half a year living on a kibbutz in Israel. I was an idealistic vegetarian and believed the world should live on a commune (and that peace in the middle east was a real thing).

Eventually, I had to come home and get a job (and thus my jaded 30s began). But my parting gift to myself was a tragus ring, carefully placed by a young Israeli in a Jerusalem tattoo parlor. I've had it for over 10 years and I love it. It's my personal reminder that I am capable of adventures, past and future.

And this weekend I took it out.

Not forever (I hope). The RE I saw last week referred me to a surgeon. The surgeon ordered a pelvic MRI. The MRI is today. I am a bit nervous. But I'm also a bit relieved. I definitely have chronic lower abdominal pain and I'd really like to know the cause. I'm hoping it's something simple and fixable (the fibroid) and that it's easily and quickly removed as we move forward on the path to IVF.

I've never had an MRI before. I love small spaces (in that borderline-autism-spectrum-temple-grandin-hug-machine kind of way). But I *hate* loud noises. I know I'll be fine. Just jittery about the unknown.

The surgeon is, apparently, very popular and her first available appointment to discuss the MRI results is November 1 (3 weeks from now!). I've been that patient and with a few pushy phone calls got myself on the cancellation list. Fingers crossed for a last minute appointment next week. I'd like to know what's happening and get this surgery under way as soon as possible.

Who would have thought that kid who sold her beat up '82 honda civic hatchback for a plane ticket to Israel would be this infertile lady hoping for a chance at IVF (who, coincidentally,  drives an '09 honda civic hybrid...I guess some things never change).

This is happening

Met with my new RE this morning. He was a nerdy introvert, much like yours truly, so it was an uneasy 20 minutes of too long pauses and awkward interjections. But in the end, we agreed on a plan. It's pretty much the same plan as before. Surgery. IVF. Lots of finger crossing and hope.

He outlined the problems: old eggs, blocked tube, scarred ovary, growing fibroid, polyp, and endometriosis

He complimented where he could: "your uterus has a very nice triangular shape to it"

He gave new hope: robotic myomectomy (vs standard slice and dice), which comes with a shorter (potentially easier) recovery.

He assessed the primary culprit: fibroid has grown 1 cm wider and 1 cm taller in the last 6 months (now approximately 4.5 cm x 4.5 cm). It encompasses quite a bit of the left side of my uterus, pushing my lining way over to one side and obscuring my left ovary (that was kind of neat to see on the ultrasound - I love a doc who describes everything as it's happening).

There are still a few unanswered questions and potential hurdles (clearly I have a lot of googling to do):

• Can they get the polyp at the same time as the fibroid?
• Will my insurance cover the surgery?
• Does robotic surgery mean I can have a vaginal delivery?
• Is robotic as efficient as abdominal in removing the fibroid and preserving fertility?
• Will my insurance require IUIs before IVF?
• And the standard, will any of this even work?

I was a neurotic mess going into the appointment. RE-PTSD is no joke. While I no longer find it embarrassing to drop my pants and hop up on the table, I was feeling overwhelmed with anxiety and old emotions. One of my coping mechanisms/fatal flaws/annoying habits is to never want anything. And if I do want something, I make sure to work over-the-top hard on getting/achieving it on my own. I can't achieve this myself. And even with help, it may not happen. That is hard for me. But, therapy-worthy issues aside, I am SO GRATEFUL that this door has reopened for us. So, so, so grateful. And beyond excited for the possibilities ahead of us. As Bionic said, "squee!"