Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Like Clockwork

My period arrived last night. 28 days exactly. My ovaries, my eggs, my tubes, and my ute may all be for shit. But damn if my period isn't the best, most perfect, overachieving, right-on-time period ever. It kind of made me feel good (something works!). Also, it's nice to shed the last remnants of this first IVF. IVF is hard. Harder than I ever imagined. I thought IVF was the ANSWER. The miracle cure that brings the baby. But it was so hard. Physically,  logistically, emotionally, financially. It knocked the wind out of me. I had no idea. I thought it was just this lucky thing that people with insurance or money get to do. For fun! For a baby! But it rips you apart.

In my head, our sweet little embryos are tiny little alka seltzer tablets. I know that sounds weird. But they just fizzled up and died. The official diagnosis is severe fragmentation. On day 1, they were 3 little fertilized eggs. On day 2, they were already fragmenting. On day 3, they were all highly fragmented grade 3 embryos (grade 4 is the worst at our clinic). One was already 7 cells (not good. there was clearly something wrong with that little guy. Always a sucker for the underdog, my heart goes out to that one the most. doomed from the beginning). The other two were 2-4 cells (perfect, as far as cells go). On day 4, they were grade 4 and the fragmenting was just getting worse. On day 5, they arrested. On day 6, they were discarded. I wish I hadn't seen the paperwork. Seeing them coded as arrested and discarded about broke my heart.

My RE was so sweet and she called to check up on us. She feels bad. She got me in on day 6 for a WTF appointment. I wasn't sure if that was a good idea or not. I couldn't talk about it without crying (I hate crying in public). I hadn't processed it all. But it was good. She was so nice and so hopeful. Maybe that's what I needed to hear. I still feel unsure if we should do this again. I think we will. How could we not? My insurance gives us one more chance. My RE thinks that my body is still in shock from the PE in December. She didn't expect these results. I was textbook perfect for someone my age (she says). All my numbers were good, up until the eggs left my body. She didn't expected the fragmentation. She thinks my body is inflamed and we should take a break, take some supplements, and come back and try again with a different protocol. She wants me on DHEA and CoQ10 now. Then metformin in June (I don't have PCOS, nor am I diabetic, she just thinks we should try it). If we do this, I'll start estrogen after I ovulate in June (estrogen priming protocol). Then IVF with my July period, this time with extra ganarelix and human growth hormone. She says, "let's throw the kitchen sink at it."

I don't know. That is so much crap to put in my body. I'm swallowing hand fulls of pills (levothyroxine, CoQ10, DHEA, prenatal vitamins, vit D, special folate for folks with MTHFR, fish oil) and wondering, what the fuck am I putting into my body? I'm reading articles and there are mixed opinions on if some of this stuff will help or harm. But, I started the extra supplements yesterday. Just in case we want to do this come June. I think we will. How could we not?


  1. There are no perfect answers - just listen to your heart. I'm so sorry it can't be easier.

  2. My heart goes out to you for the strain on your body and spirit. I hope the tide changes for the better.

  3. so sorry the ivf didn't work on the first try. cant imagine how hard it is to read about your little embies in those terms. hoping you find time to heal during the wait for the next time, if you decide to give it another go. wishing you peace...

  4. It's so hard. And so not the miracle cure that it feels like it should be, the way people talk about it. If it were me, I would do it again--once more and hopefully you'll get lucky! But either way, at least you'll never wonder what would have happened if you'd tried the second round. Hugs to you--things can be so unfair.

  5. I'm so very sorry you're going through all of this. It's so devastating to go through the hell of IVF and have it not work out. There's this myth out there that IVF is a sure thing, so when it doesn't work out it just feels like a failure on so many levels. I'll just throw in there that Buggie was conceived on our 2nd round of IVF with only three eggs at retrieval and only two at transfer. It's hell on your body and spirit, there's no doubt about that. Sending lots and lots of hugs to you. Whatever you decide will be the right thing.

  6. Holy shit that is ROUGH. And I hate crying in public too but girl, now's the time to screw-all and do it whenever you need to.

    I didn't have exactly the same problem but I had a 'surprise' with my first IVF... They retrieved 12 eggs and 1 fertilized. ONE. I so get where you're coming from that IVF is supposed to be the end-all be-all and you don't anticipate getting any extra awful surprises along with it.

    Sloppy cyber hugs!