Monday, December 31, 2012

2012: the year I'd like to forget

2012 was a craptastic year...a real life country song:

We find out our first open adoption placement is not going to happen. We cry. Looking back, it wasn't the best situation for any of us. I can't believe that little boy is going to be 1 in a few days. I think about him and his mama every once in awhile. I hope they are all well and happy.

I get really sad about our roller coaster with baking and buying kids. We even take our adoption profile down because we need some time to regroup. It's funny to look back on that post. I hoped for another match (which happened, but came with it's own set of twists and turns - see May) and maybe another chance at IVF (which also happened, with it's own set of surprise circumstances - see July and December). Expect the unexpected. Lesson learned.

S turns 38 and my grandpa turns 93. I love them both. One of my clients offers me a full time job with benefits and IVF coverage. I might have been conflicted about taking the job, but what a miracle to have that door opened for us again. We were/are so thankful. My grandpa is admitted to the hospital, then hospice, and then he passes away. It still doesn't feel real. I love him and miss him. Every day.

A quiet month. My new job is still up in the air and S and I are still a little numb from everything that has happened. We put our adoption profile back up.

We get the call about our second open adoption match. A woman, who is our age, is looking to place her 2.5 year old son. I secretly judge her for this choice.

We learn more about the placement situation. I talk to the birth mother on the phone (and learn that my snap judgements about her were wrong, wrong, wrong) and I talk to her son on the phone (at her request). We start to think this will work out and everyone might benefit. Then the agency tells the birth mother they won't work with her and sends us an email wishing us luck on our continued adoption journey. I lose my shit over that. S applies for an amazing job and gets an interview (spoiler alert: she didn't get the job, but that turned out to be for the best - see October). We go on a much needed vacation that involves sitting on the beach and eating. It's perfect.

Four months after being offered the IVF-included-job, they are ready for me to start. I accept, sign the paperwork, and find out I have to wait 3 months for my benefits to kick in. Hope starts to creep in. We are so very very thankful for this opportunity. I turn 38.

We renew our adoption home study with our social worker, ditzypants. I get giddy over the count down to health insurance and worry over the surgery and everything that will need to be done to get to IVF.

My lovely grandma is placed in hospice. My cousin and I are there to celebrate her 95th birthday with her. She saved my childhood and I can't believe I have to say goodbye. It breaks my heart that she won't know my kids. I know she is ready to go and that she misses my grandpa. I wish that she feels nothing but peace and love. I fret about choosing an RE and make an appointment for the day after my insurance kicks in. S gets an interview and then is hired for a rock star new job.

S starts her new job. I meet with my new RE and a plan is put in action. We are filled with hope. My grandma dies, just 6 months after my grandpa left us. It still doesn't feel real and I still can't talk about it. She was an amazing woman. I miss her and love her. Every day.

Robotic myomectomy for me. We've been talking about this surgery since 2010. Everything goes amazingly well and we're so relieved.

I finally write down my surgery details. We move to a great little house in a great little neighborhood. I toss out the (induced lactation) milk I've been storing for a year. My insurance company approves my first round of IVF. Things are looking up, until I end up in the hospital with too many blood clots.

All I have to say is, fuck you 2012 and someone, please, let 2013 be better.


  1. What a year! I am wishing for all of us wonderful things this coming year. You certainly deserve a change of luck. I hope that baby of yours finds his or her way to you two soon! Happy New Year! Here's to better things!

  2. Hey, I hope things are looking up in 2013. You've been through a lot and deserve some good luck this year. Love, Ruby